From Subway to McDonald’s, comedian Jim Gaffigan had a score of menu items to serve up to almost 2,000 Ohio State students Wednesday night.
For his hour of standup, Gaffigan had the auditorium full of laughter as he discussed family, dietary habits, fast food restaurants and going to the bar.
“For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Urban Meyer,” Gaffigan yelled to a laughing crowd.
He then divulged on parenthood, especially the newest addition to his family, his fourth child.
“Just imagine you’re drowning, and then someone hands you a baby,” he said.
Eating habits and various fast food chain restaurants played a part in Gaffigan’s act.
“Hot dogs are like strippers,” Gaffigan said. “You don’t want to hear their back story.”
Another focus of Gaffigan’s jokes was McDonald’s. Although most people won’t admit they eat there, he said almost everyone does because its food is actually amazing.
“Has your mom ever made anything as good as McDonald’s fries?” he asked. “Of course not.”
Gaffigan said he always hears people say they would never eat at McDonald’s.
“Well McDonald’s wouldn’t want you, because you’re a d—,” he said.
But people’s attitudes toward McDonald’s wasn’t the only thing Gaffigan said annoyed him. He said picking up a friend from the bar is like picking up a toddler from day care. There is always someone screaming, crying or wanting to get in a fight.
“He was standing where I wanted to stand,” Gaffigan yelled. “Or, she was my best friend, but not anymore.”
Gaffigan also said at every bar there is “that guy” who uses anything as an excuse to take a shot, and he peer pressures others to join him.
“He acts like you’re rejecting a sweater that he crocheted you,” Gaffigan said.
Referring to women bartenders who act like “the master” of the bar toward costumers Gaffigan said, “I’m not going to say b—-y … Because that would describe them perfectly.”
On the other end of the spectrum, Gaffigan said women bartenders also have the habit of calling people “honey” and sounding like your grandma.
“‘What can I get you, honey,’” he mocked. “‘Oh, I don’t know, maybe a birthday card with $2 in it.”
Going back to food, Gaffigan said his eating habits were not so healthy.
“I’m on a diet,” he said. “That Domino’s pasta bread bowl diet. The only ingredient missing is a suicide note.”
Gaffigan poked fun at various food chains, aside from Domino’s. His jokes about Subway seemed to be a crowd pleaser.
“It’s fun to watch a clinically depressed person make your sandwich,” Gaffigan said. “They make it right in front of you, why not do it with some flare?”
After then proceeding to joke about his weight, lack of exercise and then pretending to talk on an imaginary phone to “annoy” the audience, Gaffigan thanked the crowd and walked off stage. He returned for an encore saying that he had went behind stage to eat a Hot Pocket, after the majority of Mershon Auditorium gave him a standing ovation.
Robert Brickner, a fourth-year OSU student, said he enjoyed the entire show and that Gaffigan was hilarious.
“My favorite line was, ‘Hot dogs are like strippers, you don’t want to know their backstory,’” Brickner said.
Mollie Worthington, a first-year OSU student, said she has always loved Gaffigan and his non-vulgar style of performing.
“He has a rambling way of telling his jokes,” she said. “It takes a couple seconds to get it but when you do it’s hilarious.”