Dear Katherine,

My girlfriend just brought up the idea of an “open” relationship. We are falling for each other, but she has hesitations about committing fully. I couldn’t imagine not being with her at all. Do you think an open relationship could work?

Sincerely,

Open or Closed

Dear Open or Closed,

I’ve tried an open relationship once. Because of a long past, the boy and I loved each other; yet, I pushed to keep my options open. We were together, yet not. We acted as boyfriend and girlfriend, yet weren’t. I loved him, yet I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with him. It’s as confusing as it sounds.

Suffice to say, it didn’t last for more than a month. It was too stressful. Too hurtful. One of us wanted it more than the other. The idea of him with someone else was hard. The idea of me with someone else was hard.

There are some couples that live out an “open,” free relationship with their partners. They enjoy the liberty and excitement. Some even participate in sex with other people — together — in what’s called “swinging.” The enthusiasts of the act themselves are evidence of those who aren’t immediately crushed at the thought of his or her loved one with another. It’s evidence that an open relationship can work for some people. To put it bluntly: I’m not one of those people, nor will I ever be.

Maybe you’re different. Maybe you’d be okay with the thought of your partner in bed with someone else, the thought of your partner kissing someone else. Maybe you’d learn to accept that, enjoy that even.

But maybe you are like me, and it twists your heart to even think about them with another person. Maybe you’re like me, and you need either all of a person, or none at all.

Analyze your desires. Analyze if you’re just doing it to please your partner or yourself. If your gut is trying to tell you something, listen to it.

Sincerely,

Katherine