Hey, it’s (insert name here) and I never told you, but I think it’s really awesome you took my virginity!”
If my parents only knew about the weird texts I get on a regular basis, they probably wouldn’t want me on their family plan anymore. I received this one last Tuesday, and, in a state of shock, I dropped my coffee on the hardwood floor of my workplace. I spent the next three minutes frantically trying to get the iced cafe-latte mopped up before my boss saw the mess.
I racked my brain about why this person chose to tell me now and how the hell to respond to it. To girls, virginity is seen as a prize to give away, but to boys it’s a feat of accomplishment — the state prior to the actual sex is rather embarrassing. That being said, neither party usually knows what they’re doing, but has the expectation they will be good and enjoy it. I give them major props for trying, but it’s not that way for most virgins.
Every time I think of female virgins, I picture pouty blond girls with pigtails and wide eyes sucking on lollipops (maybe I watch too much porn). When I think of virginal guys, my shallow mind pictures Martin Short. Martin Short just looks like the kind of guy that doesn’t get much ass and probably needs his back waxed.
The guy who texted me on Tuesday — I’ll call him “Sean” — is around my age, and the incident took place prior to my moving to Reno about three years ago. It was an awkward encounter at first, and when panties finally dropped, Flo-Rida sang about Apple Bottoms jeans. Sean seemed to be trying awfully hard to match the tempo as he thrust with zeal. Since he was only my second chosen partner, you can probably imagine the sex wasn’t amazing, and it lasted less time than the song itself. When it was over, he blurted out an oddly-timed “I love you,” and I shamefully rushed home to the comfort of my childhood bed. A night of chafing and questioning whether I had a G-spot followed.
The first time and the second time, even when they’re with the same person, are nothing like the movies. I didn’t start having G-spot orgasms until about five months ago, when mine finally decided to develop. Before then, I was all about oral and vibrating bullets, but even masturbating isn’t great until you practice.
Because of the culture of our high-sex media, it’s very easy for us to panic when sex isn’t fireworks and rainbows every time. When you generally enjoy your first time, it leaves you with fond memories. Sean obviously had the sort of positive experience he was looking for, even if I didn’t necessarily scream and moan with ecstasy.
Having the obligation of pleasing your partner can be scary, and when you find out you didn’t meet that standard, it can cause you to feel a bit hurt. Virginal guys can feel like they’re alone with cluelessness on how to satisfy a woman, but, in all actuality, even Kanye was once in their shoes, fretting over how short he should cut his fingernails.
The truth is: The first time isn’t usually that great. The second time is usually a bit weird and even after the third time, you may not be at the porn star level. But damn, you can get there. After all, practice does make perfect. When it comes to first times with any sexual encounter, the most important thing is honesty about what you want and appreciation for their trying to please you. If someone says they’re glad you were their first, say “you’re welcome” and leave it at that. Let them enjoy whatever fond memories they took from it. Sometimes in this world, that’s all we have.