Coal to Newport Councilor At-Large Jeanne Napolitano, who said, “I believe that people have a right to choose what they want for the future.” We tried to explain this to the recruiters at the Career Fair last week, but they used our own reasoning against us.

A diamond to Assistant Vice President of Planning, Design and Construction Mike McCormick who said of deeming buildings “historic”: “There needs to be other historic significance to them other than they’re just old in the neighborhood and kind of nice.” Let’s start applying this rule to tenure decisions, too.

Cubic zirconia to Dean of Admission Jim Miller ’73 who said of Brown’s U.S. News and World Report ranking, “I think the difference between 16 and 12 is not that important.” Students, take note: Logic about college rankings does not transfer to the dating scene.

A diamond to Democratic mayoral candidate Jorge Elorza, who said he went from not being accepted to any college to studying at Harvard Law School. He’s even more of a success story than Elle Woods.

Coal to the Rhode Island General Assembly, which “historically meets Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in the afternoons through dinner,” according to Democratic candidate for secretary of state Nellie Gorbea. These working hours definitely explain the productivity level of the state government.

A diamond to the student who said of Brown Student Language Exchange, “You don’t have to commit a lot but still get to learn.” We tried to propose open relationships to our significant others with this reasoning, but they didn’t buy it.

Cubic zirconia to Professor of Computer Science Andy van Dam, who said of the goal to fundraise for the Department of Computer Science, “Now the question is what, when, how, who.” Sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress!

A good-luck diamond to the soon-to-be-named director of special collections and the John Hay Library. We hope you fare better than we did as kids when we gave ourselves that same title in order to justify the hundreds of dollars we spent on Beanie Babies and Polly Pockets.

Coal to Dean of the Faculty Kevin McLaughlin P’12 for saying, “We were trying to dispel the public perception that a sabbatical is sort of like a vacation.” Our professors’ Disney World selfies say otherwise.