US blood money should be better spent – APRIL FOOL’S JOKE

Originally Posted on The Rectangle via UWIRE

President Obama recently made a budget proposal with the usual ridiculous ideas that have come to seem normal from the White House over the past seven years, such as reallocating Environmental Protection Agency funding in favor of “public-private partnerships” (corporate sell-outs) or funneling more education money into the hands of fat-cat university presidents like Juan Fry. It’s all smoke and mirrors, of course, since the Republican Congress had its counterproposal ready by March 17.

Yes, the Republicans are giving Americans what everyone has been asking for: cuts to everything except the military — the Pentagon has bargained its way into a major funding increase so that it can fight the Islamic State today, and hopefully create the next big-budget boogeyman for tomorrow. More than ever, American blood money will be funding the ruin of other nations and provide free public relations for our enemies, like Iran, North Korea, Russia, Israel, ebola and cholesterol.

It is not even blood money well-spent. If developing novel ways to figuratively light the taxpayer’s money on fire isn’t bad enough, the military can’t even use the excuse of scary foreigners for all the funds it wastes at home. You know who lives in military housing? Joe Biden, you know, the one with the goofy smile, lives large at the U.S. Naval Observatory—which I have always considered the most wasteful part of our military, since you can’t even see the ocean from Washington.

You know what, forget the budget. Let me level with you: I can’t stand Joe Biden. He’s only got two facial expressions: a sheepish grin and a drooping sad face. That’s how politicians have been stealing elections for decades — by trying to get Americans to believe that our country is better than ever, except for all of the horrible, terrifying problems that the government needs more power to solve. Cotton-Eyed Joe should instead adopt a face more representative of the American people: apathetic and confused.

Honestly, I would’ve preferred Sarah Palin over Joe Biden. At least she stood for something—she wanted to shoot wolves from helicopters and not read any newspapers, and she wasn’t afraid to say it. How’s that for honesty? “Robinette,” like the corporate masters he and Obama serve, is two-faced.

Evidence from Russia Today, my personal favorite source of news, suggests that Biden is involved with the Hilary Clinton email scandal, drone strikes, the theft of the Barnes Foundation from Lower Merion, the 16th Amendment, twerking and non-alcoholic beer. Why did we ever elect this guy? I certainly didn’t vote for him — in 1971 I burned my voter ID because I mistook it for a draft card and I haven’t looked back since.

I encourage you to do the same. We may not have the draft anymore, but at Drexel University, there’s always plenty of things to burn — your coursework, your money, or President Fry  in effigy. If there’s one way that America is behind the rest of the world, it’s that we don’t burn things enough in
political protest.

As a Drexel faculty member, I’ve burned lots of things, especially bridges. I’m still here — that’s the power of tenure. (You do have tenure, don’t you?) What was I talking about? Ah, I remember. Think about things for once, and take stance: Take some funds from the military budget to burn one of Joe Biden’s paintings.

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