At its metal-bashing, scantily clad heart, “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” is just an action-packed movie. There’s good-guy-versus-bad-guy action, robot-on-robot action and Victoria’s Secret model-on-Shia LaBeouf action. And, if you turn off your brain and leave your cinematic snobbery and Team Megan Fox t-shirts at the door, the popcorn flick actually becomes kind of awesome.
By now, Michael Bay has nearly perfected his wham-bam-thank-you-m’am formula for box office success. One part horrible dialogue, two parts semi-respectable actors camping it up and a whole lot of fantastic shiny metal cars-turned-human-race-saviors equals a hugely successful threequel for the franchise and, likely, one of the year’s biggest hits.
On a scale of one to Aaron Sorkin, the screenplay and story line is pretty weak. Then again, anyone who goes to a Michael Bay movie expecting dialogue worthy of an Oscar is kind of an idiot. Ehren Kruger, who wrote the previous film, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” had to have known this, too, and so it’s no surprise that the dialogue is often corny and muted, filled with “Whoa, look out for those flying cars!” and cheesy, sort of demeaning jabs at leading actress Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s physique.
In between Optimus Prime being a badass and shots of scary metal things in space, there are the remnants of what appears to be a plot. Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) is upset because even though he graduated from an Ivy League college on a four-year free ride and is currently dating Maxim magazine’s hottest girl of the year, he’s restless. He’s saved the world twice, but now his Autobot brahs spend most of their time working for the government, blowing up stuff and causing more problems with the Middle East. He finally lands a job at a shiny, white corporation (maybe it’s some sort of satire on corporate America? Or, well, maybe not), where he encounters an under-used-and-basically-pointless John Malkovich and a co-worker played by Ken Jeong, showcasing his staple jittery, semi-creeper flag with pride. Sam gets word of yet another Decepticon plot to take over the world and destroy everything, and then a couple of car chases and exploding glass scenes later, he’s back in the butt-saving business with Fergie’s husband (Josh Duhamel) and a new director of security played to a surprising level of perfection by Frances McDormand.
It’s the third go-around for a lot of these actors, so by now they understand that the robots are the true stars of the show. LaBeouf, who has admitted to this being his last “Transformers” outing, does his usual endearing mix of screaming and smart-alecking. He’s neither outstanding nor horrible, but his best moments come from snapping one-liners that sound improv. The rest of the human crew – Duhamel, John Turturro, McDormand – do much of the same; they basically try not to look like they hate their lives while they spit out ridiculous cliché after ridiculous cliché. Patrick Dempsy, as the smarmy boss to Sam’s girlfriend, has the most fun, but, then again, this is his first “Transformers” flick, not his third.
Movie-goers are going to see “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” mostly for the explosions, but there’s also that skanky elephant in the room: How does model-turned-actress Rosie Huntington-Whiteley stack up against former franchise leading lady Megan Fox? Surprisingly well, as it turns out. Even though she says her lines like a robot and her face has exactly two expressions (open-mouthed and closed-mouthed), she owns her role of Sex Object AKA Guarantee That 13-year-old Boys Will See This Movie in a way that Fox just didn’t. Huntington-Whiteley isn’t an actress by any standards, but her model background gives her more class and more poise than Fox ever had. She doesn’t have much chemistry with LaBeouf or any other human being, but she looks good getting in and out of that car and she doesn’t strut around pretending to be the talented actress she’s not. Plus, in the biggest plot twist the film has to offer, she spends about a third of the time fully clothed in jeans. And a long-sleeved jacket. Really.
He may run his movie sets like a dictator, but Michael Bay is an expert in the art of blow-ups and babes. Cars fly, rubble falls and a bunch of glass buildings collapse. The scenes of a post-Decepticon attack Chicago rival those of any apocalyptic zombie or disaster flick, and there’s no denying that it’s pretty damn cool when those Transformers, er, transform. Even though the finale battle is entirely too long, the detail Bay pays to every shiny chunk of every giant-sized metallic warrior (and there are a lot of them – though the semi-racist ones from the sequel are noticeably absent) is nothing if not admirable.
“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” isn’t one of the smartest, slickest or even coolest movies ever, but in a country where people love to see things blown to smithereens, Michael Bay still reigns supreme. —
Rating: B+
“Transformers: Dark of the Moon”
Starring Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Patrick Dempsy, lots of robots
Rated PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of sci-fi action violence, mayhem and destruction, and for language, some sexuality and innuendo.