It’s that time of year again. Traces of purple and gold beads still linger in the trees and streets of our recovering city while teachers hand out tests like hotcakes, disregarding the fact that most students’ weekends were spent in the black hole of Soulard. Then, without notice, this celebration transitions swiftly into a more divisive holiday. One with fewer costumes but, in some cases, equal amounts of drinking. A day filled with pink hearts, naked babies shooting arrows, singing Hallmark cards and exorbitant amounts of sugar. It’s a day we loathe and a day we love. It’s Feb. 14, or more popularly noted as Valentine’s Day.
For some, it sparks bleak memories of fourth grade when your crush skipped over your crepe paper shoe box and went straight to Emily’s to give her that coveted Pokémon card with a heart lollipop sloppily taped to it (no hard feelings, Tommy…I’m over it). Others recall experiencing their first kiss in the snow at their friend’s party in high school. However, the rest may have simply blocked out every possible memory of Feb. 14 for the past 20-some odd years.
Personally, I use this day to catch up on re-runs of Sex and the City and eat copious amounts of Indian food with my roommates. Frankly, it’s cliché to whine or complain about this holiday. So what, you don’t have a boyfriend. If you are that desperate, make your way over to Humphrey’s and surely there will be some equally fraught men lurking at the bar.
Good news for all moon signs, though: The horoscope for Feb. 14 seems to be an overall jubilant day, as well as one filled with important decisions! Except for Pisces, who unfortunately is struggling with money issues and cannot focus romantically. Sorry.
What makes February so romantic? Under the rein of Claudius II in third-century Rome, marriage was outlawed because single men made better soldiers, but word on the street was that an ever-rebellious priest would perform secret weddings for smitten couples. Unfortunately, this underground nuptial business was eventually found out and led to the martyrdom of our dear St. Valentine. The legend is still a mystery, so take all stories with a grain of salt. However, this one seems good enough to believe.
All my single ladies (all my single ladies), do not waste your time thinking twice about this day. It is simply the day after the 13th and the month’s halfway point…except in a leap year. And if you are, in fact, single, do not bore your friends with the sob story about how all men are either taken or sociopaths. Heard it. Lived it. And it is a meritless venture trying to explain it to your friend while she’s busy putting on mascara for the date she’s about to jet off to with her perfect boyfriend who baked her a perfect heart-shaped brownie and reserved a unicorn carriage ride for the night.
Couples will surely be found canoodling in theaters, sharing chocolaty cocktails at The Fountain on Locust, smooching by the clock tower and paddling around the Boathouse in Forest Park together. If these images are nauseating, simply avoid potentially romantic locations.
Instead, have Subway for dinner or find the nearest mechanical bull to keep company.
Why has it become a national obsession to either be with someone on Valentine’s Day or complain about not being with anyone? Thanks to Facebook, today we can witness the blatant schism between the very vocal single folks and couples alike: “Two months and counting with the best boyfriend in the world!” vs. “Thank goodness for the chocolates my mom sent me because I am going to eat my feelings now.”
My advice (wanted or not): keep it simple and keep it to yourself. If you’re dying to show someone you care, do it on the daily rather than waiting for a Hallmark holiday to prove it. And always remember, there is no such thing as too much chocolate.