Girl 1: “Oh my God, he’s sooo hot!”

Girl 2: “Umm … besides the fact that his head is shaped like it just came out of his mother’s vagina …”

—Unknown

“The fact that people before the 20th century had sex freaks me out. I mean, George Washington probably got a blow job, and it makes me super uncomfortable.”

—Science Teaching and Student Services building

“There’s this girl that I’ve liked for a while, but she considers herself my mom. … I’ve been mother-zoned!”

—Frontier Hall

Guy: “Did I ever tell you about how the police call me the coke guy?”

—Folwell Hall

Guy 1: “You can’t drive to all 50 states!”

Guy 2: “Well, that’s because you don’t have a water boat!”

—Nils Hasselmo Hall

“Everybody wants to have gecko nipples!”

—University Recreation Center

“Caffeine is like water; I need an intravenous injection of cocaine to keep me awake.”

—Bioscience Lab

“Yeah, you were so drunk that you gave a random stranger you met on the street a blow job …”

—Centennial Hall

Professor: “An Amber Alert went out? I hope it’s one of my grad students.”

—Tate Laboratory of Physics

Girl: “He pulled this really unattractive face, so I told him, ‘That’s a really unattractive face,’ and then he said, ‘Um, do you own a mirror?’”

—Frontier Hall