The Harvard Gazette announced this morning that Oprah Winfrey, a.k.a. Oprah, will be the principal speaker at the Afternoon Exercises of Harvard’s 362nd Commencement later this spring.

I’m pissed. I’m heartbroken. I might have to take the rest of the day off, which I had half a mind to do anyways when I woke up this morning and remembered that I hate everything.

It’s hard for me to explain to you how important Oprah was to my childhood. I watched Oprah everyday with my mom, all throughout pre-school, elementary school, and middle school. I’ve read an embarrassing number of Oprah’s Book Club books. I own an embarrassing number of Oprah’s favorite things. At one point, I think I may have had a personal subscription to O Magazine. I once told someone that, someday, I hope to be Oprah’s assistant. Oprah turned me on to Maya Angelou. When I found out that Oprah bought the rights to Toni Morrison’s Beloved and sat on them for a few years, just so that she could eventually herself play Sethe in the 1998 movie rendition, directed by Jonathan Demme, I liked that. I told people I thought that was ballsy in all the ways I like. I think it’s a great way to spend a fortune. It inspired me to tell people that when I have my own talk show and multi-million dollar corporation, I plan on using my money to buy the rights to Catcher in the Rye just so that I can play Holden Caulfield. Get at me. I will sit on the rights for a few years and it’ll be great. This is America.

Harvard’s president, Drew Faust, seems to agree with me. She told the Gazette, “Oprah’s journey from her grandmother’s Mississippi farm to becoming one of the world’s most admired women is one of the great American success stories.” Indeed, it’s a success story that I love so much. Ugh.

Harvard, I hate everything about you and I hate that you got Oprah to speak at your commencement. R.I.P., all of my dreams. This is that shit I don’t like.