Dear Dr. Date,

I recently found out I have an STD. It’s nothing serious, but the problem is I don’t know who gave it to me. I have had a few sexual partners since I was last tested, and they’re spread out over a couple years. What is the protocol for telling them? I don’t want to come off as blaming them (although one of them is to blame) for giving it to me, rather I want to be polite and tell them that they might be at risk/should tell their other partners. How do I go about doing that, especially for the guys I haven’t talked to in a couple years?

—STD FAQ

Dear STuD,

Yo, dawg! Girl, don’t be incredibly ashamed to contact your past beaus — sexually transmitted infections are much more common than one would think. And those of us who are sexually active should be extremely aware of that. You should think of this as a homework assignment, completing it in steps and marking it off.

Begin by writing down the names of everyone you have slept with after your last clean checkup. Next on the list is to call each of them up — email is cowardly and a text message would be too ambiguous — and be casual about it. If what you’re harboring is easily curable, then it’s really not that big of a deal. Let them know the steps to take to get checked and apologize for the circumstantial ring.

Final step is to take your meds as directed and never again wait years between check-ups. You cray?

—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

I seek your professional advice. Recently, I have been hooking up with one of my old friends. We both just got out of relationships. Now we are out to heal our broken hearts and have some fun. The problem is lately he always seems unavailable when I need some … sexercise.

My sex drive is high, and the once-a-week encounters aren’t doing it for me anymore. I do admit we are both seniors and have a lot going on. And I don’t know what he thinks, but I don’t want a relationship with this guy — I would just like for us to continue being friends with benefits. What can I say to my friend to get him running every time? Also, how do I deal with the post coitus weirdness?

—What’s A Girl To Do?

Dear Do-Me Addict,

Have you seen a counselor for your addiction? I’m just joshin’ — but you need to take it down a notch. If your boy is blowing you off in lieu of getting blown, there’s definitely a reason for it. Maybe he is bored of the action between the sheets, or maybe he’s developing some outside-of-the-sheets feelings for you. Ever think about that?

Make sure you know what you want, i.e. stop pretending that you don’t have feelings for him, and talk to your friend outside of the bedroom. Once you’re both on the same page of the romance novel, then hump away, or don’t, whatever.

—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

I am here to ask of you a most important question for the good of our society. People, including our very own University of Minnesota students, are having a lot less sex than in previous generations. I don’t have to tell you how bad this is. Now, I assume people can’t get much hornier than us college guys, so the problem must be with the system — a system of impersonal technology and overworked students. How can we overcome this system of sterile communication and stress so we can get back to doing it?

—Boner Killed

Dear Bone Dry,

Use this technology you fear so much to your advantage: Text everyone in your phone, and start a sex club on campus. If that doesn’t bring together those with a passion for romping and rollicking between the sheets, on bridges, in cars, against walls — listen, wherever — then I don’t know what will.

—Dr. Date