I went to Yale Health the other day because I wasn’t feeling too phresh. My suitemate’s got mono (now we can’t kiss, ugh) and there’s been a nasty bug floating around campus lately, so I thought that maybe I caught a virus of some sort. Upon entering, there was a long-ass line, and the nurse was like, “Um, you’re not in my gcal, so I can’t help you,” and proceeded to yell “Can we do Woodland soon?” as I made my exit. It wasn’t the first time I’ve heard that one…
But just like the last time I heard that one, I decided to accept the temporary rejection and take matters into my own hands (hello), so I pulled up a Chrome tab. To WebMD, sicko. If that crazy girl in my chem lecture is Pre-Med then I may as well be Mehmet Fucking Oz. I typed in my symptoms.
After some nights, I wake up feeling “nauseous,” so I checkmark that one. I’ve been sleeping less, so “fatigued” seems about right. I’ve started craving certain foods—no longer can I dismiss the sweet nothings of an Oreo Cheesecake Kiss—so “weight gain” is not out of the question. The algorithms of “symptom/checker™” had come up with a list of suggested symptoms, and being the comprehensive Doctor-turned-TV-host that I am, I checked those out too: frequent urination? Ask the Starbies barista how many times I’ve asked for the bathroom key. Mood swings during the first trimester? Well, Yale’s on the semester system, but I was totally moody over fall break. Missed period? WebMD even knows my #WRproblems—I accidentally made my ellipses only two periods in my last paper, silly me!
Before I could have WebMD cure me, it asked how long I’ve been having these strange feelings. Upon casually stalking my own Facebook photos to see if I could pinpoint an exact change, it seems more and more obvi that this has been going on since the beginning of the school year. I clicked submit. Only two things remained on my possible conditions: “College Freshman” and “Pregnant.”
Well…what should I call the baby? I’ll be here all of #SB2k13 tryna decide while you do you. I really like biblical names.