Dear Granny and Eloise,
My roommate often comes home late at night and turns on the light, which wakes me up. I’ve tried talking to him about it before, but he keeps doing it. How do I get him to stop?
Signed,
Sleepless in Philadelphia

Dear Sleepless in Philadelphia,
Life was so much simpler when there wasn’t electricity — not that I was around for that, of course. Actually, it’s probably better to have your roommate turn on the light than to have him shove a candle or a lantern in your face. Anyway, you should approach him one more time when he isn’t busy and have a serious discussion with him. Be honest and make an agreement. For example, you could tell him that he can turn on the lamp for a few minutes until he gets settled but not turn on the main light. Or if he feels the need to turn on the main light, he could come back earlier. If you can’t come to a reasonable agreement or if he repeatedly breaks the agreement, you could approach your resident assistant, who would be able to negotiate terms between you and your roommate and see that the agreement is implemented. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt because everyone forgets things from time to time. If he shows a blatant disregard for your sleeping schedule, that’s when you should approach your RA. This solution will take some time, so until then you can temporarily sleep with your head under the covers or under a pillow to avoid being bothered by  the light. Good luck!
Toodles,
Granny

Dear Sleepless in Philadelphia,

I think your only option at this point is to take out all of the light bulbs in your room and then tell your roommate that your room was robbed — oddly enough, the only thing that was stolen were the light bulbs. When your roommate decides to file a report against this mystery thief, you should store the missing light bulbs under his bed or on his desk. This would convince him that he commits crimes in his sleep and force him to turn himself in to Public Safety. As a result, you would not only get a good night sleep but would also have the room to yourself. To quote the historical documentary “Stepbrothers,” it would lead to “so much more room for activities.” I’m not sure about the statistical probability of this actually occurring, so you should always prepare a plan B. Some examples to consider include building a fortress around your bed to block out the light, becoming immune to the light — also known as blindness — like a bat, or taping down the light switch to make it physically impossible to turn on the light. I wish you luck, brave soldier.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,
Whenever my girlfriend is over, my really close friend always knocks on the door and interrupts. For example, last night we were hanging out and he came in to get his peanut butter. I love my friend, but how do I talk to him about this?
Signed,
Maliciously Third-Wheeled

Dear Maliciously Third-Wheeled,
Oh, goodness. Look, I’m old, and I have some knitting I’d like to finish. What I’m trying to say is, why are you wasting time asking me for advice when it’s right there in front of you? If he is your really close friend, then you should be able to talk to him about it! If you have already tried, maybe he thinks you’re kidding or don’t really mind. Make it clear that it is important to you and that as your good friend he should be mindful of that. If he continues to interrupt you despite your talk with him, consider the fact that maybe the issue lies elsewhere. Perhaps he just wants to spend more time hanging out with you and feels lonely now that you have a girlfriend, or he may even be jealous. Another possibility is that he genuinely does forget items of importance in your room and happens to knock when your girlfriend is visiting. Whatever the case, you need to get to the root of the issue and have a heart-to-heart with your friend. I know it doesn’t seem like the “manly” thing to do, but just give it a try. I guarantee you it will help you in one way or another. That’s how I got my husband to stop playing harmonica to the squirrels at 2:30 in the morning to lull them to sleep every night. Although he may have been a bit offended at first, once we reached common ground on the issue we were able to better understand each other and make progress. Now, I sleep happily; he doesn’t play his harmonica, but the squirrels still sleep well.
Toodles,
Granny

Dear Maliciously Third-Wheeled,

I think the bigger issue isn’t the fact that you’re being maliciously third-wheeled but rather the fact that your really close friend, someone you truly care about, has an addiction to peanut butter. This may call for an intervention, so you’ll need to get a banner and practice your understanding glance. For an example, refer to the last 25 seasons of “Oprah”; she really knew what she was doing. Now onto your issue — I think you should make a schedule in order to divide time between your girlfriend and your friend. Because your friend keeps interrupting, it may be because he wants to spend time with you. Color code the chart and use glitter to really make it pop; you can even do it with him — quality arts-and-crafts time never hurt anyone. Think of your time like Germany after World War II, divided into two sections. Your girlfriend can be the Western powers, and your friend can be the Soviet Union — or vice versa, depending on who looks better wearing red. If your friend appears to be upset by how much time you’re spending with your girlfriend, buy him some Nutella to remedy the situation — anything that isn’t peanut butter.

Sincerely,

Eloise