From the moment we are born, we develop vital attachments with our primary caretakers. Through our first exposure to physical and emotional closeness (or lack thereof) as children, we are introduced to themes of trust, dependence, security and openness. If we have receptive, attentive parents, we learn we can trust. If not, we learn we can’t. Our minds start developing the mental framework and patterns that continue into adulthood and provide the basis for stable or unstable relationships in the future. Studies have shown that even at such a young age, we have already developed an “attachment style” that will likely stay with us our whole lives.

Researcher John Bowlby first introduced the attachment theory in the late 1960s. Bowlby believed that the reason children formed such strong bonds, or attachments, to their caretakers was because of an emotional and physical necessity. Children depend on their parents for survival; therefore, children develop emotional responses when this attachment is broken. For instance, a child who is separated from his or her caretakers, however temporarily, will likely show distress. This is evidence of that attachment.

Research conducted by Mary Ainsworth in the 1980s expanded on Bowlby’s initial theory on attachment. By conducting studies in which children were separated from their mothers for a short amount of time before being reunited again, Ainsworth was able to not only see the attachment theory firsthand, but also the ways in which various child-caretaker attachments differed. What Ainsworth discovered was this: although the majority of children reacted similarly when the mother left the room (distressed), many children reacted differently upon the mother’s return. These differences in reaction provided clues to differences in attachment styles. Some children were easily comforted when the mother returned (secure attachment); others continued to express distress even in the mother’s presence (anxious attachment); while others appeared indifferent to their mother’s return (avoidant attachment). From these, Ainsworth was able to distinguish three basic styles of attachment: secure, avoidant and anxious.

According to some researchers, it’s possible that these attachment styles carry over into adulthood. Hazan and Shaver were the first researchers to analyze Bowlby’s attachment theory in romantic contexts. They inferred that since we exhibit much of the same need  for intimacy, dependency and security in our romantic relationships as adults as we did in our parental relationships as children, our attachment styles in each situation are similar.

If we agree with Hazan and Shaver’s theory on adult attachment, then we can say that a child who displays an avoidant attachment style can easily grow up with the same insecure tendencies in a romantic relationship as an adult. From a young age, she learned the risk in opening herself up to rejection. So, just like she dejected the closeness of a parent as a child, as an adult, she avoids commitment and intimacy as a way to protect herself from the distrust she has suffered in the past. Similarly, a child who felt secure with her caretakers — i.e. knew he could depend on them for comfort and stability, yet felt safe enough to follow his own independence — will be more likely to search for, and choose, similar secure relationships as an adult. And because a child with an anxious attachment style did not feel safe with his caretakers — whether that be because of parental neglect, abuse, or the like — this child will likely grow up to display high levels of anxiety, impulsiveness and worry in her relationships. She is desperate for intimacy with others yet continues to doubt her worth along the way.

The attachment theory helps us understand the ways in which we, as individuals, choose our romantic partners and treat our romantic relationships. Through knowledge and self-awareness, we can evaluate the basis of our actions so that we may strive for secure, healthy attachments — even if our previous history of attachment told us otherwise.