In 2011, President George Bridges launched the “Now is the Time” campaign to encourage patrons to invest in Whitman.

“My idea was simple. It got at the heart of things,” Bridges explained earnestly. “Most people make plans for the future. The true genius of this campaign was that I identified now as the time frame,” he said.

Recently, however, a cloud of confusion has descended upon campus. Students have begun plastering “Now is the Time” stickers on their computers, binders and water bottles. One student was even so audacious as to put a sticker on a paper towel dispenser in Olin. At first glance, it seems as if students are merely taking part in achieving administrative goals, but a closer look reveals that these stickers are not at all related to the financial campaign.

The stickers depict a gas can draping our Mother Earth with an opaque shroud of oil. They were designed by a secretive activist group on campus known only as “the CCC.” Given my prestige as a reporter for the Pioneer, I was able to score an interview with sophomore Colleen Smythe, the self-described “Ra’s al Ghul” of the Whitman divestment campaign. She described the group’s aim to divert the college’s investments from fossil fuel companies and their supporters to more sustainable options.

“We thought that [our use of the “Now is the Time” slogan] would give old man Bridges something to furrow his brow over,” Smythe said. “Consider it a challenge …  our administration is steering the college against the tides of history. Unless they change their tune, I may very well begin publicly referring to Bridges and his cohorts as mere suits, snoots, squares and phonies!”

When asked for his opinion of the stickers, Bridges gave me a puzzled look. When I handed him a sticker his eyes went wide. “Whoever these sticker-makers are, they’ve been caught red-handed,” said Bridges, his eyes still wide. “I thought of the slogan first. And I have proof.”

His eyes grew wider still.

“It’s troubling and confounding that [the sticker-makers] didn’t notice the flags all over campus. I definitely had the idea first. Put that in the paper!” Bridges stood, threw the sticker to the ground and waved his arms frantically. “People of Whitman, students and stoats alike, pay no attention to the stickers!”

The CCC’s protest has run into challenges. Whitman’s investments are controlled by over 50 managers, and the administration does not hold the reins tightly.

“I’m just a man!” insisted Bridges. “The managers are more than that. They’re investment professionals … They probably studied economics!”

Critics of the Divestment Campaign often point to the fact that there are very few investments that make it rain quite like fossil fuels.

“They rightly raise concerns about where investments will be diverted,” admitted Smythe. “The college has a unique opportunity to combat climate change, though. This is a critical time for the college, for the country, for our species. We co-opted the phrase ‘Now is the Time,’ and we mean it, by golly!”

When I asked Peter Harvey, Whitman’s treasurer and chief financial officer, about the college’s investments as related to our changing climate, he clearly misunderstood the question.

“We in Memorial are letting out a huge sigh of relief,” said Harvey expressively. “The crash of 2008 really gave us a scare, but the investment climate has really been improving lately. We’re pleased as punch,” Harvey beamed.

As I clarified what CCCers meant by climate change, Harvey became preoccupied, checking his watch and giving a slapstick double-take. He began packing up his things.

“Excuse me, I need to slip into my lilac zoot and get down to the fairgrounds!” Harvey said with a conspicuous wink. “That’s on record.” He winked again for good measure and left.

At the end of the day, confusion abounds over the “Now is the Time” campaigns.

“We at CCC HQ have worked tirelessly to engage the administration, the trustees, the finance committee and the student body,” panted Smythe. “The League of Shadows … erm, I mean the CCC, is committed. The college as an institution will have to take a stand one way or the other.”

“Someday I’ll own a branch of the International House of Pancakes,” concluded Bridges.