Dear Katherine,

I recently made a friend in one of my classes, and we hit it off right away. He is a theater major, loves Disney movies more than I do, wears better clothes than I do and overall seems like the perfect sassy gay friend. It would be perfect, except he claims he is straight. He has confided to me that he has never been intimate with his girlfriend, and I understand that many people wait until marriage; however, it leads me to think that he isn’t romantically interested in her. It wouldn’t matter either way if he was gay, straight, bi, Thai — I just don’t want him to end up realizing his sexuality when it’s too late.

Sincerely, I Just Want a Sassy Gay Friend.

Dear I Just Want a Sassy Gay Friend,

Although I cannot be sure whether your friend is gay or not (and neither can you for that matter), I can understand any confusion you may feel about his sexuality. It can be difficult to witness someone denying him or herself the ability to be true to one’s desires — sexual and otherwise. It is a sad reality that many face and continue to face each day.

Of course, as straight people, we cannot even begin to understand the inner turmoil present in one who is not accepting his or her sexuality. And we have to be mindful of this. If your friend is really hiding his sexuality, you have to realize that this is definitely, without a doubt, not easy for him.

His coming out would be life-changing (in many good ways), but hard, nonetheless. And, ultimately, it is his decision whether to come out or not. All you can do is stand beside him, support him and listen to him. You say that he has confided in you the fact that he and his girlfriend have not been intimate together. Already, he is allowing himself to be intimate with you, emotionally. This is significant and telling of your relationship. With you, he is not afraid of the possible implications this aspect of his relationship with his girlfriend might propose.

Build your relationship with him and let him know how supportive you are. By doing this, you can only help build up his confidence as he treads through the difficulties of self-acceptance. If you do this, and he is gay and decides to come out, you may be the first to hear.

Sincerely,

Katherine