Getting mistaken as a pre-frosh is downright embarrassing. I should know, since it happens to me all the time. And by all the time I mean it has happened to me exactly four times, which is four times more than it has happened to anyone else. Last week, I saw a play with my mom. We ran into one of her friends and she asked me what year I was in. I said junior. She said in high school? Being mistaken as a junior in high school is a million times worse than being mistaken as a pre-frosh. I wasn’t even mistaken as a junior in high school, when I was a junior in high school. So clearly, it’s too late for me. I’ve devolved. But it’s not for you. And as I’m in a rather sharing mood—kind of like when I let my aunt borrow my bag, technically it’s her bag, but it really feels like mine—here’s a list of the best ways to avoid being mistaken as a pre-frosh.

1. Wear a Yale t-shirt. But don’t just wear one that says Yale. Anyone can buy a shirt that says Yale, just ask Jessica Simpson or any pre-frosh ever. Instead, wear a Yale shirt that says “Yale Crew 2013,” or “the Yale Mathematics Association,” or “the Yale Daily News.” There’s nothing that impresses pre-frosh more than the YDN. Pre-frosh are even more impressed with the YDN than the staff of the YDN. And the staff of the YDN is pretty impressed with the YDN.

2. Look perpetually unimpressed. If you need inspiration pretend you’re French or went to prep school. Yale has Au Bon Pain. My country fucking invented pain. Yale was founded in 1701. My prep school was founded in the 15^th century.

3. Anytime a pre-frosh asks you for directions; give them directions. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never heard of the building. By the time they realize they’re in the wrong place you’ll be long gone and they’ll feel like pioneers, navigating the dangerous territory of Science Hill and High Street.

4. Eat off campus or better yet don’t leave your apartment. If you don’t leave your apartment not only will you avoid the inconvenience of going to class you will also avoid skin cancer. So when your professor asks you where you were tell them “cancer kills.”

5. Don’t travel in large groups. Better yet alienate all your friends. It’s easy, just tell them it’s not them it’s your terrible taste in friends.