Since birth you and I have been gaining weight…like consistently. It sucks and its the fault of goddamn calories. What are they? Who knows? Me, I know. They’re made up of a combination of H2O science muscle-weighs-more-than-fat bullshit but like what the fuck because I DON’T EVEN CARE. All I know is that they are making me fat and I hate it. It’s just like, what lard hat decided to make bread fucking delicious and also at the same time the worst.
CALORIES ARE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. Oh you think your fruititarian diet is so fucking Gwenyth Paltrow goop of you? Well, you’re fucking wrong. A banana has 110 calories in it, guys. AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON GRAPES!
Beer? What the fuck is that? Because I know I’m not the only fat person on this campus, I’m gonna do a fucking service to the community and ban beer. SKINNYGIRL MARGARITAS ONLY! Bethenny Frankel is a fucking saint. Seriously, I just can’t even with the dick dance that is the calories in alcohol. Seriously, how many raw cleanses am I gonna have to do to make up for one night at Amigo’s? Splitting a pitcher of frozen with your best girlfriend is totally fucking normal except the 3000 calories that are hiding in it. I’m just tryna do me, but all I can think about is stupid ass carbs swimming into my stomach making me look like pregnant Kim Kardashian. Shamu called, he wants his Juicy sweats back.
Where are the low-carb gluten free raw macrobiotic options in the dining hall? Fucking nowhere, that’s where. Diet Coke should should be free everywhere and mandatory to drink always. IT’S CALLED MENTAL HEALTH.
YALE, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME OR ANYONE ELSE ON THIS CAMPUS, YOU WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT CALORIES. IT’S YOUR FUCKING DUTY.