Dr. Date,

I am  currently a junior in college and just got together with my first-ever boyfriend. We first started dating when we were both 13 and have been on and off till now. The last time we hooked up was when we were 17, and I remember his junk being amazing.

We recently hooked up again, and he wants to get serious with me, but it wouldn’t get up. No matter what I did, he stayed soft. He seemed like he was enjoying it, but nothing would happen. Help! I don’t want to get into a serious relationship with him if he can’t even get turned on.

    —Shrunk Junk

Ball So Hard,

So, your boy can’t get the ole baloney pony to ride well, eh? He’s having trouble with his one-eyed wonder weasel burrowing in your heated earth? He’s — sorry, the doc’s on a roll with this one. Tuck that fear behind your ears, honey, because being the love professional that I am, this is a problem for which I can offer some causes and a solution.

Let’s start with the causes. As much as you’d probably love to forget the horror that was the evening of faltering fornication, you’ve got to remember how much alcohol was involved. A couple of pitchers? Only one or two brews? Or none — you rode the sober train to what you thought was going to be pound town. If you were pretty obliterated, then whiskey-dick is the cause. No biggie. Try again sans buckets of liquor.

Another potential cause of your boo’s flaccidity is if he’s a frequent toker of Miss Mary Jane. Such activity is linked to lame sexual performance. Does the dude justify a joint every hour of the day? If so, there’s his problem.

Now on to solutions, which I have only one: Ditch your dude with the non-performing Elvis, and find a man with a solid sausage to feed your libidinous needs.

    —Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

What’s the protocol for removing an ex on Facebook? Even though it didn’t end in a horrible mess, I still am not sure what to do and need the love doctor’s advice.

    —Single Guy

Lone Soldier,

Not to fear this one, comrade. There are plenty of other cadets who are curious of the answer to this question, too. The doc will give you a pretty standard template to follow in situations such as this. Abide by the following, according to your specific emotions.

1. If you fear keeping Facebook contact will encourage you to virtually stalk your ex, keep it. Several photo-stalking sessions are healthy and normal post-breakup.

2. If you’re in too much pain to even look at your ex-boo in cyber space, give him or her the FB axe. Send a succinct message of why you’re doing so for courteous measures.

3. If you were friends before doin’ the whole bump and grind and emotional-longing thing (sometimes noted as a “relationship”), then keep your ex as a FB friend. If you weren’t, it’s totally appropriate to remove his or her avatar from your social media friend group.

You’ve got some pondering to do, young soldier. Will you hide behind the barracks or confront your fear on the battlefield of your photoshopped newsfeed?

—Dr. Date