Dear Eloise,

Got any tips for building a resume?

Sincerely,

Workaholic Will

Dear Workaholic Will,

As a master of deception, I have a few tips on embellishing your resume to make you appear irresistible for even the most competitive jobs. I suggest making every hobby or skill of yours appear sophisticated. For example, if you’re someone who enjoys spending time playing Club Penguin, I suggest writing “children’s entertainment enthusiast.” If you eat lots of toast because you’re not Martha Stewart, then you’re a “toastmaker extraordinaire”. It’s simple — just make everything sound professional. Pull a Gatsby and deceive everyone. I also suggest asking trustful people — and those you meet on Craigslist don’t count — to take a look at your resume and help you make it better.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Eloise,

I’m a freshman, and I want to take advantage of my only free summer during my time at Drexel. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Summer Samantha

Dear Summer Samantha,

Because it’s your only summer, you should make it the best one yet. I suggest sitting at home, eating peanut butter sandwiches and watching entire seasons of “Law & Order” on Netflix. If that doesn’t seem like your cup of tea, you should cover your body in Nutella and roll down a bunch of hills. However, I don’t suggest this because I am not sure if it is legal and also because that’s a waste of Nutella. Get a job bagging groceries, become an indentured servant and take an unpaid internship, or take a class over the summer to get ahead. I also suggest buying some aviators, getting a tan and spending lots of time people watching at your local pool. Just have some fun, for Pete’s sake!

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Eloise,

This spring weather is driving me nuts; it’s cold in the mornings but extremely warm in the afternoon. What do I wear to class?

Sincerely,

Fashion Fiona

Dear Fashion Fiona,

I suggest putting deodorant on your legs circa Paulie Bleeker in 2007. Then buy a pair of pants that have zippers on the legs and turn into shorts. This way, when it gets warm you can just unzip layers and leave them behind. Layers are really key here; think of yourself as a cake. Just make sure you don’t eat too much cake because you want to maintain your summer figure underneath all of these cakelike layers. In reality, I think you should just wear a sweater or jacket that you could take off in the afternoon. Enjoy the weather before the summer heat makes you melt like a Popsicle.

Sincerely,

Eloise

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