Like all things, the We Are Oregon ASUO administration is soon coming to an end, to be replaced by the United Oregon administration on May 25. So, plus ça change or whatever, I suppose. President Laura Hinman, Vice President Nick McCain and the rest of the ASUO gave us a solid year of school-yard drama, and it’s doubtful that with Sam Dotters-Katz and his two vice presidents at the helm, anything will be any different.
It is apparent something must be done to the ASUO, however, lest we be forced to bear another year of bickering and intrigue among the young adults to whom we have given our votes and money. Normally, I’m not much of a “solutions person,” but today I shall offer three, decidedly modest proposals for how to fix the ASUO.
Monarchize it!
As the blunderous election last month illustrates, the democratic process is clearly too important to be left in the hands of the people or aspiring career politicians. What this campus needs is a monarch, a king or a queen — a Duke or Duchess of the Ducks, in fact. If you have a preference for small government, you can’t get much smaller than a government of one. And a monarch would never ask you to sign a petition or try to bribe you with a T-shirt.
If this sounds appallingly antithetical to the founding principles of this country, keep in mind that it was the English Parliament — an elected, representative body — that enacted the “intolerable” laws that caused our forefathers to revolt, not King George. He was too crazy and (probably) inbred to care about the colonies, and that’s exactly the type of leadership we need. Give the royal responsibility to someone who doesn’t really want the gig and watch as such careful policies are crafted by a Duke/Duchess who couldn’t care less. Huzzah.
Abolish it!
Occasionally, I see signs or slogans written in street chalk that endorse this proposal. Abolishing the ASUO seems a bit radical — if only because we haven’t tried it yet. The ASUO’s primary function is to dole out incidental-fee money to the various student programs. Without an ASUO, perhaps there would be no incidental fee, which would make attending the university (slightly) more affordable. The student programs would then have to become self-sustaining if they wanted to continue — maybe we’d see a thousand Kickstarter projects bloom. No ASUO: free campus, free markets. Or something.
Compete against it!
Speaking of free markets, nothing encourages competence quite like competition. Instead of getting rid of the ASUO, make it do better by creating an alternative student government to compete against it. This alternative ASUO — the AASUO, if you will — would promise students it would more effectively represent their interests and administer their incidental fees than the regular ASUO, what with its earnest and mediocre “West Wing” re-enactments. Such a dual system could lead to the following: Spurred by the competition, the ASUO starts doing its job better, meaning the AASUO would have done its job; the ASUO falters and fails, and the AASUO replaces it, dropping the first A; or, a campus split between two student government becomes even more an arena of desperate pettiness and confusion and drama, and we have not one ASUO to hate on and complain about, but two.
With that in mind, let’s get that throneroom ready.