I am kind of limited in the stamina department in the bedroom, which has limited my options with the ladies. If there are any gals out there who have two minutes to spare let me know.

—Unknown,

Lauren,

I’ve always liked you, but now that you’re President of the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu club, you’re driving me mad. I love a woman in charge and I can only imagine where else you dominate.

 —Please Roll With Me

To the apartment across the way,

We’ve had a relationship all year, from waving to messing with you with our laser pointer to even exchanging numbers. With your penis Christmas light window and your binoculars you’re a good sport. You should get a laser pointer and play tag with us sometime. Or we could meet up in person and see if you all are as attractive and funny as you look through our window.

—The apartment above CVS

Dear Goldy from the Women’s Basketball/Softball/Spring Football game,

We’ve run into each other about four times in the past week alone, and you still haven’t told me your name. I feel like that’s an important thing for a girl to know before she just jumps on a scooter driven by a large mascot.

—Call me

Hayley who works at the Rec Center,

We had Chemistry together, and now you watch me workout. I think it’s my turn to work you out.

—A guy who thinks your glasses are so fine

Men who enjoy Chinese food, the show “Friends,” and Queen: Show yourselves.

—Unknown

Jon,

Damn. Watching you talk about language is seriously the sexiest thing in the world. How many languages can you say “Do me” in?

—Girl who wants to know what else you can do with your tongue

Today I was sleeping in the St. Paul Student Center and when I woke up there was a number in my lap. I lost the number and wouldn’t mind knowing who gave it to me, wanna help me out here?

—Unknown