Everyone loved kindergarten. Why? Because “academics” were grounded in playing games, all-day snacking, and naptime—literally everyone loves these things. When I ask my professor for recess and/or snacks and/or naptime, they’re constantly being like, “Nope.” You are only allowed to play games, snack, and take naps when you’ve been drinking since before sunrise. It’s only socially acceptable to nap until 6 p.m., having passed out from too much Franzia, and wake up thinking it’s 6 a.m. the next day, on game day. If this Saturday will be your first time day drinking this fall, shame on you. I hate that. Me and men’s lacrosse have been setting 6:30 a.m. alarms for Saturdays for weeks now. Sometimes I think to myself, dude, what would it have been like to have come to Yale to play on the Men’s Lacrosse team? And the answer is always, “Fucking amazing, that’s what.” This is mostly because I love hot guys. But also because I love their carefree attitude and their high tolerance for alcohol, which can only be a result of being young, rich, straight white men. Yale rocks!
D: Happy hour
If there’s one thing my mother taught me, it’s that happy hour is ah-mah-zing, because it combines her two favorite things: discounts and drinking. And so it makes perfect sense that my 21st birthday party was at 3 p.m. at Chevy’s (best TexMex happy hour in the biz). There is not a single bad thing about $5 margaritas and $2 beer (less the bloat). Happy hour, unfortunately, is also parent to cheap alcohol’s evil twin: discounted appetizers. Please—I’m already getting free chips and salsa, which by the time I’m done with them will have out calorie’d my 1000 calories burned at zumba. The last thing I need is to be wooed by my server into ordering “Shrimp & Crab ‘Dilla” and “Poblano & Veggie Queso”. Even in my wildest dairy/meat related dreams, I do not wish ‘Dilla on my worst enemy. But Lord knows that drunk vegan Jessica literally loves cheap TexMex meat fondue (only culturally Jewish). She just hates calories more but has no self control when drunk at dust so like, whatever.
F: Night drinking
Drinking at night is stupid. It’s the Longchamp/Barbour/whatever of drinking. Just like, I get it. It feels more legal than drinking in the morning, but it shouldn’t, because night drinking is by far the most dangerous type of drinking. Things that can happen to you when you are drunk at night: absolutely anything. What happens to me mostly at night is I drink, get bored, and go to sleep. I’m not intentionally drinking to fall asleep, it just sometimes happens like that. I treat night drinking like I treat day drinking, meaning I consider them marathons. The problem is that night drinking isn’t a marathon, it institutionally ends at 2 a.m. And late nights are just tangentially related to some late night food spot, and by now we know how much I hate that. Now don’t get me started on winter drinking. It’s appalling that winter drinking hasn’t been abolished yet. I guarantee our mental health would vastly improve if we all refused to drink when it’s dark outside between the months of December and February. That whole drinking-to-keep-you-warm thing? Bullshit. The only way to stay warm in the winter is to move back to California.