It gets bitter. (Wikimedia Commons)

I’m crying right now for a lot of reasons, but mainly because I just hopped onto Wikipedia and discovered that the Nobel Prize recipient in Economics, who was announced today, is not associated with Yale — meaning that no one associated with Yale won any of the Nobel Prizes. Not even a bullshitty one like Chemistry. Ugh. This is particularly disappointing after Yale’s banner 2013 when two professors took their one million Swedish kronor and ran and everyone was happy. But this is just sad and makes me feel empty inside. Like, seriously, Yale? Try a little harder. Shithead. Regroup and get a hold of yourself. This is ridiculous. I know it’s midterms or whatever, and you’re getting over that cold, but so is everyone else. Furthermore, I totally saw you over the weekend with your parents at Bella’s for brunch so I know you have free time that you’re not spending trying to get a Nobel. And that’s unac-fucking-ceptable. Seriously. I am embarrassed, and I am ashamed. I bet your dad is ashamed of you too — scornfully choking down his orange juice as he can’t stop thinking about the fact that you didn’t get a Nobel. “Wow, and I started to finally like him,” he thought to himself, rye toast all slathered in orange marmalade. “And then he goes and doesn’t win a single Nobel Prize, and I’m not so sure.” None of them. Not any of the six of them. Not a single one. There are six to choose from and one of them is literally “Physiology or Medicine” so there are basically seven. And they all eluded you. I do not understand. Were you not breastfed, Yale? Come on. Talk to me next year, Yale, but only if you get a Nobel. Otherwise, talk to the hand, because I’m pissed. Like, royally pissed. Like, Royal-Swedish-Academy-of-Sciences-ly pissed. Asshole.