Photo illustration by Leah Nash/The Cougar

After what can only be described as the most amazing, best, super-awesome political campaign in the history of the United States, Donald Trump was sworn in today at noon as the 45th chief executive of our beloved nation.

Trump’s inauguration followed that of his unexpected running mate and now vice president, his sentient toupee. Early attendance estimates range from nine to 10 million, making it the largest political gathering in all of history.

As promised on the campaign trail, each attendee received $50 as a “political motivator.” Every person who voted for Trump will receive a package this week that includes their promised $20 and a limited edition clipping of Trump’s golden body hair.

In his inaugural address, Trump thanked the American people for their “overwhelming and entirely voluntary support” of his campaign and once again reiterated that he was “only joking” when he threatened to kidnap and torture political opponents of his. In unrelated news, Megyn Kelly, former Fox News contributor, is still missing after three months.

Last Tuesday saw the release of a statement by President of Mexico Enrique Nieto confirming the completion of the 200 foot wall demanded by Trump. As previously reported, the project was funded entirely by the Mexican government, costing American taxpayers absolutely nothing.

Trump applauded Mexico in his address, stating that “Mexico has done a valuable service to herself… and her people,” and “I’m honestly happy I don’t have to invade. I mean, really, I’m not saying that I won’t, but it’s certainly less likely now.”

Trump said that he intends to follow through with his campaign promise to end unemployment by confining the poorest 10 percent of the population to “systematically and efficiently harvest their precious life energy to keep myself forever young.”

Life-energy harvesters will be contracted by the Federal government, and Trump encouraged citizens, especially retirees and students, to get involved by registering as an organ harvester on his $4 website, healthreap.gov

The first item on Trump’s foreign policy agenda as president is “making sure that America has the tools it needs to negotiate favorable trade arrangements, get our jobs back and make America great again. And to do that, we’re gonna need a lot bigger guns, folks. I mean, look at what we have now; you think China’s scared of that?”

With these new actions, President Trump has established himself as the greatest president in not just American history, but the world.

All hail our beautiful-haired overlord.

Opinion columnist Dane Hall is a sociology senior and may be reached at opinion@thedailycougar.com

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“Barely 24 hours into his presidency, Donald Trump fixes everything” was originally posted on The Daily Cougar