“Cop Car” resembles the old second grade nightmares I used to have in which I would find myself behind the wheel of a car that I had no idea how to drive. I knew I had broken the law, and I knew that I was going to be in huge trouble. That’s why “Cop Car” struck me as an intriguing movie, playing off old subconscious fears of mine, even though I’ve been driving legally for almost four years now. I also was even more intrigued to find out that director Jon Watts had been selected to direct the NEXT reboot of the “Spider-Man” franchise, simply from festival talk of his work on “Cop Car” alone. The film looked to be a stylishly retro thriller that held nothing back in the way of putting all men, women and children at bay for destruction.

Stylishly retro it is, I just couldn’t stand anybody on screen, even the “protagonists.”

First off, Kevin Bacon does deliver a really good performance here, playing up a hammy type of corrupt cop character. Growing up all over the American South (Georgia, Louisiana, Texas and North Carolina, with family from Tennessee and Alabama), I’ve heard almost every form of southern accent there is, and it’s nice to see Bacon hit his accent square on the head in his performance; unlike most Hollywood actors, Bacon does it amazingly well. The other performances in the film are also admirable, but I keep coming across a singular issue when trying to talk about them.

Not a single one of them is likable, not even the ones we’re supposed to be rooting for. Yes, I understand that Bacon is playing a villain, among other villains in the film, but I should feel a sense of magnetism toward a really good antagonist (ex. Elizabeth Debicki in “The Man from U.N.C.L.E”). Yet, the real sin comes in our protagonists, two young boys who have run away from home and come across a cop car in the woods and decide to take it for a joyride, only for the corrupt sheriff (Bacon) to come after them to retrieve his car again. These two boys are so annoying, so unlikably agitating and downright idiotic, that there were points in the film in which I was hoping for the sheriff to succeed in his mission. I wasn’t rooting for them, perhaps at first, when it was only boyhood fun, but once things began to get serious, so did my agitation.

At least “Cop Car” is stylishly directed, which gives me some hope for the “Spider-Man” reboot. As long as the screenplay is left out of Watts’ hands (which for now, it seems to be), I hold out the utmost hope for this burgeoning talent. As a director, Watts does wonders with the minimalist scenery and setpieces, and while the movie does chug pretty slowly along until the last 20 minutes, at least it chugs in style. Watts struggles in the screenplay; plagued with the aforementioned character problem, this completely overshadows some of the more original aspects of the story including a monologue so disgustingly evil, it belongs in a better movie.

I wanted to like “Cop Car” more than I did. Perhaps I would’ve enjoyed the film more if I had seen it in a proper movie theater, rather than renting the film on-demand, as it was released the same day as theaters, yet the closest theater playing it to me is in Greensboro, over an hour away. I thought I would like the film for about half-an-hour, but soon enough, my patience got slow and I was left with an attractively shot movie with some of the most unlikable characters in recent memory. The protagonists were annoying and the antagonists weren’t magnetically interesting enough. There’s enough raw style in “Cop Car” for two movies, and I must praise Watts for his directorial work and Bacon for his nice performance in his role, but I certainly can’t see myself really recommending the film, despite these apparent merits. There’s a much better film looking to be made here, but maybe I’m just too much of a curmudgeon who hates kids, but after 85 minutes with these two boys, perhaps you might turn into one too.

2.5/5

Photo courtesy of Focus Features

Directed by: Jon Watts
Starring: Kevin Bacon, James Freedson-Jackson, Hays Wellford, with Camryn Manheim and Shea Whigham.
Runtime: 86 minutes
Rating: R for language, violence and brief drug use.
Now in select theaters and on-demand.

Focus World presents, an Audax Films production, a Dark Arts/Park Pictures production, “Cop Car”