Credit: “Easter eggs”

Every weekend is an opportunity for an “Easter egg” hunt. Turn on any movie and pause the scene every two minutes to see if you can find any hidden “Easter eggs,” cute and quirky nods to other films. For example, in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Harrison Ford looks hot as hell while heroically plundering an archaeological site without any real regard for the historical integrity of the ancient artifacts. But, if you pause the film at exactly the right moment, hidden in the hieroglyphs are images of R2-D2 and C-3PO of Star Wars fame. Cool, right?! These fun inside jokes often make me smile or laugh! Movie makers love to keep keen-eyed fans on their toes! I spend a lot of Friday nights alone watching movies! Please invite me to parties!

D: Eggplant parmesan

This is a mediocre dinner entree made with eggplant and parmesan cheese. I suppose vegetarians have no other choice, but why would any practicing omnivore choose eggplant parm over chicken parm? Why don’t they love themselves? Not to mention the controversy surrounding the misnomer that is eggplant parmesan. It really should be egg2plant parmesan because the egg (in plant version) is dipped in more eggs before the parmesan even touches it. Eggs on eggs is kinda overdoing it, and that’s coming from a person who is generally a fan of eggs. What? What do you mean eggplants aren’t made of eggs?

Fail: Your elementary school egg experiment

You fucked it up. You fucked it up big time. Letting a raw egg sit in a jar of vinegar sounds like an easy way to win the science fair. Wait twenty-four hours, the eggshell dissolves, and BAM you’ve got a freshly naked egg and the blue ribbon. Did I learn anything about chemistry or membranes? Probably not. Still, I was basking in my glory, when you ruined everything. I accidentally knocked over my trifold poster and pushed the jar of eggshell-eating vinegar off the desk and on the carpet. Everyone pretends that it’s not a big deal that the classroom now smells like morning-breath-flavored Chobani greek yogurt four months past its expiration date. They told me it’s fine, that the smell will go away in a couple days—but it didn’t. The remainder of the third grade is awful, and it’s all your fault, you stupid, nude, translucent egg. I had to wait until the fourth grade for a training bra, and that was probably your fault, too. You fool. You goddamn fool.