Once I hooked up with a boy after an ugly sweater party and he kept his turtleneck on and I wrote about it in the 2015 Herald Valentine’s issue and he texted me two weeks later with a screenshot of the page.

Yikes!

Once I hooked up with a boy everyone called “Woody.”

Yikes!

Once when I was in third grade, I had a crush on a boy named Caleb. One day, he told me I laughed like a girl so I told him he was a chauvinist pig, because I heard my mom call my dad that once, and I got a timeout. We kissed later that afternoon.

Yikes!

Once a guy asked me out after I toured his apartment. Then he ghosted me for two months until I moved in and needed help getting my table through his front door.

Yikes!

Once, in elementary school, one of my friends hosted her birthday party on Oct. 18, which, as we all know, is Zac Efron’s birthday. I baked cupcakes with his face on them, brought them to her party, and proceeded to make everyone sing “Happy Birthday” to Zac after we sang it to her. Bad friend. Amazing girlfriend.

Yikes!

Once I got my girlfriend a baby hedgehog named Herbie for Valentine’s Day, because what else would you want for Valentine’s Day? But then she dumped me two weeks later. She kept Herbie.

Yikes!

Once somebody hid the Fifty Shades of Grey sequel in my bed and I didn’t realize it until I woke up the next morning. Nobody admitted to doing it so I stress-read passages because I was sure there were clues in the text. That was the most romantic thing to happen to me this calendar year.

Yikes!

Once a boy I went on a date with approached me at a party when “Sorry” came on and said, with a straight face, “Is it too late to say sorry?”

Yikes!

Once I dated the frontman of a band called Unlimited Sex Appeal that played primarily Red Hot Chili Peppers covers and he cheated on me with a girl named Milg.

Yikes!

Once I got a Coolatta at Dunkin Donuts with a boy I liked in high school, and I laughed so hard I started peeing my pants, but I didn’t want him to see so I poured the smoothie all over my body, and to this day he thinks I am clumsy not devious.

Yikes!