Tanya Brown is the author of two books and a motivational speaker on domestic violence and life skills. On May 10, she’ll be speaking at the Womenspace 40th anniversary dinner. Brown is the younger sister of Nicole Brown Simpson, who was the center of one of America’s biggest murder crimes involving former professional football player O.J. Simpson.

The Eugene non-profit group Womenspace, is holding the event on May 10 at the Hilton Hotel, 66 E 6th Avenue, Eugene, Oregon 97401, Eugene, OR from 6:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. Tickets are $125 per person, $1,000 for a table.

Womenspace provides support for domestic violence survivors. It also has the support of the Alpha Chi Omega sorority, which held the In Her Shoes event Sunday when about 100 men literally walked a mile in high heels to show support and awareness of domestic violence.

Brown spoke to The Emerald over the phone about Nicole’s story, her own personal experiences, the seven characters of abuse as well as her thoughts on the pressures athletes face. Here is what she had to say:

Emerald: What is the Womenspace 40th anniversary event, and why you were interested in being a speaker?

Tanya Brown: Any opportunity that my sister [Denise Brown] and I can do to bring more awareness to the cause of domestic violence, we’re going to do it. And I just love celebrating the anniversaries. I’ve gone to 15 year anniversaries, 25 year anniversaries, all the milestones. So this is 40 years. Now, what I want to say is that Nicole [Brown Simpson]’s only been gone 23 years, and we had no clue about this stuff. It’s like, ‘what’s domestic violence?’ We never even heard Mom and Dad bicker, we never heard them fight, we never heard them argue. There was a shelter 23 years ago in Laguna Beach [California] by the name of Human Options, and they said, ‘We’ve been in your backyard for 15 years.’ Denise and I, we’re using Nicole’s celebrity or her iconic image or just who she is to fill the seats because people are curious. And I always say, ‘Okay, we have to turn something negative into something positive. Let’s use her name to open up doors.’ And I’m so glad that shelters see that benefit to fill their seats and make some money for them.

So if we can use Nicole’s name to help shelters and this 40th anniversary for Womenspace, I mean, my gosh we’re gonna do it. I think it’s amazing; they’ve got great services, I love the fact that they have a life skills workshop, which is so critical because we don’t know how to cope with life. We’re not taught this stuff in school. And with women of domestic violence, they most likely have been controlled financially and controlled on so many different levels that they just lose themselves and it’s like, ‘Whatever. I’m just going to throw up the white flag and surrender because I’m tired,’ and it’s just so great that there’s a place that women can go to receive the support and know that they’re putting on this big gala, and their subtitle is ‘It Takes A Village’ because it does. I can’t do it on my own. Denise can’t do it on her own, and the shelter can’t do it on their own. We need community involvement and community support. So I really want to say thank you to those people who are investing in this because it is so important to not just hear my story and the seven characters of abuse that I’ll be talking about — not just that. Your dollar goes so far. And for any penny that comes in, believe me, it’s not taken for granted. It’s really really appreciated.

I support Womenspace for supporting the victims and survivors, and if there’s batterer treatment programs [in Eugene], start knocking on some of these doors and get help. I love the fact that the shelters are full. I love the fact that the numbers are high because that means that people are talking about it and they’re getting help, which is great. See there’s always a positive twist. Instead of going ‘Oh my God it’s so tragic. The numbers are going up,’ I’m like no that’s a good day. It’s sad that we have to have shelters, but thank God we have places like Womenspace. There are some major supporters backing this event, so I’m really excited about it.

(Photo courtesy of The Elite Speakers Bureau, Inc)

E: What motivated you to write your book “Finding Peace Amid the Chaos: My Escape from Depression and Suicide”?

TB: I was going through graduate school and caregiving for my dad the whole time, and my mom, who was also going through cancer. I got this random email from my co-writer William Croyle, who said, ‘Have you ever thought about writing your story?’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t have a story — okay, so I battled with depression, yeah okay, I attempted a suicide and I guess that’s a big story but it’s my story’. But when we were having this conversation, Facebook was not what it is today, but I was getting enough exposure to addiction, depression, suicide — all this pain, and I just went, ‘Oh my gosh. Okay, William, now I see the story in my soul that does need to come out,” but I wasn’t ready to share it right away. It takes courage to say, ‘Hey listen, yeah, I tried to take my own life in 2009.’ Because it’s a stigma and nobody wants to talk about it. And I’m not gonna waste my hurt, I’m not going to that experience because I want people to really get it that you don’t need to be as debilitated in depression as I was where I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, eventually, it turned into an overeating disorder. Thank God it wasn’t drugs and alcohol.

The common denominator that we all addicts have, whether it’s food, gambling, sex, whatever that is — we have a hole in our soul that we need to fill because that makes us happy. Mine was food. I hid my food paraphernalia like drug addicts and alcoholics do. Coat pockets, throw them in the trash, it was just awful. I really wanted to reach out to social media and to the community like, ‘Hey, I’ve been there, I’ve been in that pain and that dark side. I was in a psych unit for 10 days and outpatient for two and a half months.’ I did the work. And I want to encourage people that there is hope, and you don’t have to do it alone. I always encourage people: you don’t need to white knuckle your way through pain.

I have my masters degree in counseling and psychology, I have run groups, and if there’s more trauma there that’s beyond my scope of practice, I have a referral system and network. There’s no excuse, there is help. I just really want people to say, ‘Hey, you know what? I’m not okay.’ And my thing is, it’s okay to not be okay. Life is hard. Life has pressure. It’s busy. We’re not taught coping skills. We’re not taught life skills. So if my experience can give some of these resources and tools so when things do happen, and events do come your way, you’ll have a tool to reach for. How many people are walking this earth that don’t have tools in their toolboxes so they snap? Commit suicide? Become addicts? So it’s just about not wasting a hurt. And I was like, ‘Okay, I’m ready to do this thing,’ and my best testimony that I ever got was a man who went to a psychiatrist because he was so distraught because his son had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. And he said his psychiatrist had given him my book, and it prevented him from following in his son’s footsteps. He shared that with me.

That’s who I wrote the book for. I wrote this book for those people who need some hope, need some healing, and know that life will be okay; it’s just really dark right now. I make like $3 off my book — it’s not a money maker. People think I’m making hundreds of thousands of dollars and I’m like, ‘Really? No, I’m kinda scraping by in life right now.’ My last commission check was $45. And that’s okay, as long as they get this story. It’s a story that I want to get into people’s hands because it’s saving spirits, which is why I wrote the book — it’s not for myself.

I did my healing when I was in the psych unit, believe me. I got mad at everybody, I almost hit my psychiatrist, I threw pencils. It was awful. But it was the best experience that I had to go through and I know I needed to go through that in order to do the work I do today.

E: So why is it important for college students to be aware of domestic violence?

TB: You’re going from maybe a small town into a large university, or maybe you’re going into a small university, but a majority of college kids are going away for the first time — they’re moving out for the first time, they may be having their first beer, they may have their first boyfriend or girlfriend, their first kiss, it’s the first sexual experience maybe for many. It’s the first of firsts. And when we don’t know the signs to look out for, you want to feel that sense of belonging, you don’t want to feel so alone, you want to feel connected, you want to feel loved, you want to feel adored. We don’t want to be alone. Because we’re going through something really big.

College students go into college without coping skills, I mean, I fainted my first day. You’re like, ‘Oh my God, here I have this major exam,’ or, ‘I’m on my own and maybe I have to work full time and I go to school full time. How do I do this?’ And when you’re so young, your brain is still developing and it can’t handle that much chaos. 

Again, batterers batter because it’s learned. I’m an advocate too where I don’t work with batterers but get help. No judgment. If you’re around ‘Negative Nancies,’ you’re going to become negative. You’re a product of your environment. I even speak to the high school kids, even junior high because that’s where a lot of these dating situations happen now, so it’s really important for people to identify and understand the difference types of abuse that can happen, and that’s my message when I get [to Eugene].

E: What other subjects are you going to be talking about at the Womenspace event?

TB: Because it is a shelter that I’m speaking to, and the attendees are there to learn and get inspired and to hear stories, it’s going to be primarily on domestic violence. I’m going to share Nicole’s diary entries, I share my personal experiences, I go through the seven characters, I go through the whole ‘Cycle of Violence,’ the honeymoon period, but then I go, ‘Okay, what can you do now?’ Because once I leave, I’m gone, but I want you to stay connected with me. So what can we do to keep this conversation going? And I really want to encourage the community, even those who aren’t attending the event to continue the conversation. I’m here to really serve and to work hard while I’m there, and meet whomever I need to really encourage people. And even the men. Men need to man up — they really do. The good men need to stand up and say, ‘Hey, I’m going to mentor these young kids. I’m going to mentor some of these college boys.’ Because men listen to men. And if we’ve got the good men who stand up and do this, maybe we’ll start seeing a decrease in aggressive and abusive behavior. Men have such a huge voice in this cause at any age, and I don’t want them to dismiss that. So I always say, ‘If I had a hat on, I would take if off because of all the men that are sitting in the room’. 

E: What do you want people to know about the loss of your sister and the experiences she had with domestic violence?

TB: It takes one person to shift the conversation. Rock Hudson to AIDS, Nicole to domestic violence, Robin Williams to suicide, so there always has to be that one person. But if it was Nicole who was married to Joe the Plumber next door, this would not be happening. We would not be having this conversation. So I want people to identify with her and say, ‘Wow, you know what? You can have everything.’ You can have the Ferrari, the house, the diamonds, the clothes. You can have all of it, and this still can happen to you. The perception is that people always think that you need to be from low socio-economic standards, and that’s not the case. In fact, people with higher financial stability are actually more seduced with the big stuff. They’re trapped. I mean everybody’s trapped, but I really want people to understand that this can happen to anyone. You walk this Earth, it can happen to anyone.

But I think for this, I want people to understand, I want people to really get that that 911 call is very real. The pictures on the internet are very real. A lot of people think that he didn’t kill her, and that’s fine, but the truth is he beat her dating back to 1978. I really want people to look at her beautiful, angelic face and look at that — she was smiling, she hid the pain, and she did it quite well. I was 24 when this happened, but I was a really young 24 — I was like 18 maybe going on 16. Keep in mind, I’m the baby of the family. Nicole was 10 years older than me, so when I was growing up she was already out of the house. When I went away to college, she already had her children and was living in L.A. I didn’t see anything. Denise did because they were closer in age and she testified on that. But with me, I never saw anything. Now in hindsight, and I shared in my book, there was an instance when I was helping her move out of the Rockingham house, I saw something in her eyes, but I didn’t think like, ‘This girl is going to lose her life and she’s scared.’ No, it was more like, ‘I’m getting a divorce and he’s mad and this is going to be ugly.’ That’s how I was looking at it. Because what divorce is nice?

But in hindsight, knowing what I know now, now I know why she was scared. But I want people to really look at her face and go, ‘Wow, that’s the face of domestic violence.’ The one that’s happy, the one that lives with her kids and is beautiful … and has confidence — that’s the face of domestic violence.

When the bruises come, they hide. Batterers know where to hit, they know where to beat, where it can’t be seen by public. Here are some indicators: if you see a shift in your friend’s personality, if they’re always late to school or late to work, or if they used to be really vibrant and now all of a sudden they’re depressed, and you kind of already know that the relationship is a little shaky, don’t dismiss it as just a bad day or a phase. Even if you don’t want to have the conversation — and I’ve done this numerous times where I’ve put the 800-799-SAFE number on a Post- it note and put it on my friend’s desk at work. I’ve done that so many times in the past. So something so little — you don’t need to put your name on it, and when they’re ready, they’ll call. Or they’ll talk to you. But everybody in their own time. You can’t make anybody do anything when they’re not ready.

E: What are some warning signs you want people to see or notice?

TB: Jealousy is not love. Jealousy is checking up on you. When you’re married if there isn’t some sort of financial communication, and they don’t want you to know anything about the finances that can be considered financial abuse. I was financially abused. He stole everything. I was kind of oblivious. I was like, ‘I don’t want to take care of my finances.’ I was going through a really rough time. He went into my mutual fund and wiped me clean, took my credit cards and raked those up. So pay attention to that. But all the calling, texting, the cyber-stalking, all of that. That is not love and I think really that’s the first sign, especially amongst high school and college kids. When someone texts you, and Facebooks you, and constantly checks up on you, that is not love. And that is just a beginning of an end, and the end can be tragic.

E: What would you like families of domestic violence survivors to know?

TB: Don’t judge. Don’t force something that they’re not ready to see because women on an average will leave 12 to 17 times. Just be there for them. Don’t tell them to leave because most likely they’re going to go back. Just listen and say, ‘Hey I’m here for you. This isn’t love. I’m here for you when you’re ready.’ Of course you’re scared, of course you want them to get out absolutely. But the last thing you want is for your child, your loved one, to resent you at the end. She loves this partner. Victims love their partners. Nicole even said the night that she died, ‘He will always be my soulmate.’ It’s not up to us to make that decision for them. Be there, God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. Just listen and give her resources and just don’t judge and do not tell her what to do. She’s already being told what to do left and right, Monday through Friday, 24/7. Just be that comfort for her. Let her know what she’s going through is not right and ‘I’m here for you when you’re ready.’ If we can approach things with more compassion and less panic and force, things can happen a lot quicker.

The one thing that you want is, you want your kid and your loved one to come to you at the end. But if you’re telling her what to do all the time, they’re not going to because it just increases the stress and anxiety. You want to keep things calm and cool and collected because she’s already stressed out. Her nerves are shattered. I think the main word is patience. It’s the hardest thing to have to remain patient. Because dragging her by the hair and putting her in a shelter and do that when she’s not ready. It’s going to cause more damage and increased fear.

E: When you first started doing this, was is hard to talk about Nicole or more of a relief?

TB: For the first five years or so, I couldn’t. I was crying and I did it for more catharsis reasons more than anything. I was like, ‘I’m not reaching these people, I’m crying’. I didn’t pursue it at all. I just made the choice to not pursue education awareness or speaking full time. We’re talking 23 years later. Even probably 10 years after her death, time heals. It’s a crazy thing and people in my bereavement group, thinking there’s no hope at the end and it’s just like, ‘No, there’s hope. Use me. Use my mom as an example. Use my family.’ We’re still here, we connect, we laugh, we walk our dogs, we enjoy life. You just have to feel that pain and go through it. But as time goes on, you look at it more like, ‘I’m going to get out of my own way and I’m going to use this story to help other people.’ I mean, why not. You always have to grasp to the positive in any situation no matter how ugly it is.

E: Is there anything with the Womenspace event that you would like people to know?

TB: I really want to get real with people. If I’m going to do this, I really want to get vulnerable, and I’m going to do this. If people judge me, fine, then they don’t need to hear it. That’s how I always look at it. But this is awareness and education, and that’s what I want to share with people. That’s my primary speech. If they text HUGS to 21777 they’ll get the first chapter of my “Seven Characters” book, they’ll get a self-care strategy list, and if they text to the same number PEACE, they’ll get a chapter of my “Finding Peace” book and self-care strategies.

E: Do people want to talk about Nicole to you?

TB: All the time. And if Nicole touched their heart in any way, what a beautiful thing. Even today, Denise and I get emails and Facebook messages that say, ‘If it wasn’t for your sister, I’d be dead. Your sister saved my life. 23 years later. This woman left a legacy.’ I’d rather have her here than do these, but I can’t so let’s use it to help other people.

E: There was that sudden popularity with “People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story” and “O.J.: Made in America”. Was that hard for you?

TB: I didn’t watch the FX series “People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story,” because it’s Hollywood. Nobody contacted my family to let us know they were doing this. Nobody returned calls or emails from us. It was really the highlight of disrespect, and I voiced my opinion on that publicly. With “O.J.: Made In America,” I was part of that series and I taped it maybe two years ago or maybe even three. I spent the night at the ER with a friend who had gotten terribly sick, then had to do the interview at 7 a.m. The finished product, I asked if [my boyfriend] had any interest in watching this because I was hearing so many good things about it. It was so popular. It was before the Oscar award way before that. He goes, ‘Do you? I’m kind of sensitive towards you.’ And Ezra [Edelman, producer] did such an amazing job. It was professional, it was respectful. It was really interesting because I was so much younger. Robin Greer and Tom McCollum and Joe Kolkowitz, all these people who were part of our lives, I learned so many different things about my sister through them as well as O.J. I was like, ‘God, what an idiot,’ he really just messed up everyone’s life, including his own.

I don’t want to see that happen to any athlete because it doesn’t need to happen. But we see it, it happens all the time. So that’s why I’m so passionate about the Ducks getting involved because I don’t want that to happen to eventually be them. If this is the path that they’re experiencing, then it could happen to them. I don’t want that. I looked at it with an educational set of eyes as opposed to an emotional set of eyes and I was able to compartmentalize that. I looked at it like, ‘Wow that was really interesting,’ to the point that I thought, ‘Wow, I wish [O.J. and Nicole’s] kids would see this.’ They would learn so many highlights about their dad. It was really interesting, black history. This isn’t anything new, so now I get it. “O.J.: made in America,” because this is nothing new. They’ve had a rough life. They’ve had rough times, African Americans. I thought that was really really interesting that he put that in there. It was really well done and I was happy to see it.

I had spoken to somebody who worked with the Dallas Cowboys and I was like, ‘Why do we see the things we see with these kids?’ and he was like, ‘Okay, you get a kid coming out of college, goes into the NFL and you give him a $12 million check. He goes, ‘I’m 50 and I wouldn’t even know what to do with that $12 million check’. Imagine when you’re 18 and you’re getting this crazy money. If you don’t have the coping skills to take your life to the next level really fast, like overnight in a hot second, you can really self-destruct quite easily. Really like with the Ducks, again, I don’t know the players — I know Schooler, and I’m not saying any of them are going through it, but if they are, then I think coaches in all collegiate activities should set them up so they really know how to handle this stuff if they go into the draft, in any sport. It’s a crazy situation and it can happen to anybody. Ego and fame can either make you or totally break you.

E: What would you like domestic violence survivors to know?

TB: You’re not alone. When they get into a shelter, they realize it’s the same story, but a different face. I really want to encourage all of them from the bottom of my heart, if you’re going through this, then get help because you are not alone in this. Nobody is alone. Womenspace is here to help, I’m here to help. There’s advocates everywhere that are ready to help. It’s just a matter of when you’re ready. There’s no other time. You just have to be ready, and when you are there is a team of people ready to wrap their arms around you.

Follow Erin Carey on Twitter: @elcarey

The post Q&A: Tanya Brown, sister to murdered ex-wife of O.J. Simpson, talks about domestic violence, O.J. TV shows and college athletics appeared first on Emerald Media.