After multiple weeks of being ignored, receiving negative emails and fielding various incohesive threats, the Senior Fund Committee has pulled out all the stops.  Last Tuesday, the Senior Fund Streetwalkers will be unleashed across Whitman’s campus.

“No one was giving us what we need, so we decided to adopt the model that the sex industry is using. Why wouldn’t we find a new, fun way to make money?” said Senior Fund Committee Chair Marra M. Oneyplease.

Oneyplease appears to be right. Already, the Senior Fund has found significant donations from unexpected fields: crusty, graduated fraternity men; crusty, current fraternity men; and the Seventh-Day Adventists, who are donating in an attempt to get the streetwalkers to go to school or something.

According to the Administration, the Senior Fund “can do whatever it fucking pleases” and “should not be stopped.”

“Drain those fuckers’ wallets,” added Adam Minstration, a representative of the Administration. “Soon we’ll have enough to attach campus to a fleet of zeppelins to take us away from this godforsaken city.”

The Wire asked for more information, but all Mr. Minstration did was slam his hands on the table wordlessly until this reporter left.