Aries

You’re in luck! With the moon in Taurus this week, there’s nothing in the world that can stop you. On Monday, you will be greeted with a dozen truffles from your lover. You will hold off on eating them until Wednesday, when you will discover that they are all filled with dog food! Congratulations…

Leo

This week you’ll have horrible problems with your natural musk. Sorry!

Cancer

With the sun in Gemini, there’s only one way your week will go. Yes, you will finally come face to face with your secret admirer! Too bad he will mistake you for Steve Buscemi….

Pisces

Well, well, well. Little miss sunshine, are we? This week, nothing can get you down. Not even that thing your uncle will tell you on Tuesday.

Scorpio

Written in the stars I see…a first love! Stubborn as you are, dear moonchild, you will finally open yourself up to loving that one pair of socks you’ve been purposefully avoiding.

Taurus

It’s. Your. Season. And thank god for that, because there’s no other way everyone else would excuse the terrible attitude you will have this week. 

Sagittarius

You will get something stuck in your teeth on Tuesday, and no one will tell you about it until Friday. 

Gemini

Looking to stir the pot, are we? You will find yourself at such a loss after having experienced no drama in the past month that you will cut your own bangs and it will go horribly wrong.

Virgo

This week you will get a handwritten letter in the mail. Awesome! It will either be from your favorite aunt or from someone you don’t know and you will be very scared.

Libra

This week you will decide you want to learn how to play an instrument. You will settle on the clarinet and then abandon it immediately.

Capricorn

All will be revealed this week as you finally figure out a way to see that mole on your back that’s been growing for a year.

Aquarius

Hi, ambition! This week you will decide it’s finally time to start that passion project you’ve been sitting on for years! Unfortunately, on Friday, you will see that the market for rat figurines is essentially nonexistent. On Saturday, you’ll pick a new passion project.