Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Cat Blouch, a staunchly anti-porn advocate, argues against the devil-influenced gateway drug to masturbation. For Blouch, porn is a tricky subject full of ethical dilemmas and completely unrealistic plotlines. Alternatively, Dylan Tusinski argues that excessive consumption of online porn will lead to crazy results in your upper body muscles, and it’s the perfect way to get your body in tune. Additionally, Tusinski mentions the fact that sex is often half-fulfilling, so doing it yourself through obsessive, chronic masturbation is the perfect way to never leave a sexual interaction unsatisfied ever again.