Here’s a pop quiz: which presidential candidate carries a Communist Party credential?

If you’ve paid attention to Donald Trump lately, you know the answer is Kamala Harris. 

Trump said during a recent Wisconsin rally that Harris “is in fact a Marxist communist.” 

Looking to attack her campaign after she became the Democratic presidential candidate in August, Trump nicknamed Harris “Comrade Kamala” and posted an AI-generated image of her speaking in front of the communist flag. 

In a recent fundraising pitch from his campaign, Trump wrote, “Comrade Kamala and Dangerously Liberal Tim Walz will burn this country to the ground!” 

If we’re being honest, Trump has yet to provide any evidence these claims are true. Harris has led the stock market to an all-time high, with plans in her new administration to give tax cuts to the middle class and expand economic resources for small businesses in her new administration.

But like any good American citizen, I’m not one to question the powers of authority. If Trump is claiming Harris is a communist dictator who plans to rule our country with her woke mob, I believe him. 

In fact, since fact-checked evidence is out of fashion with Trump and his supporters, I can finally confirm my suspicion that someone just as sinister as Harris has been lurking in the University of Minnesota’s shadow, hiding right under our noses. 

His name is Goldy Gopher. 

Goldy may play the loveable school mascot, but beneath that buck-toothed smile is a tyrannical communist. 

According to Britannica, “Communism is a political and economic system that seeks to create a classless society in which the major means of production, such as mines and factories, are owned and controlled by the public.”

There may not be any mines or factories on our campus, but it’s become clear Goldy seeks to control the University’s major means of production — the student body.

If you don’t believe me, you clearly weren’t at Goldy’s communist rally this past weekend, which he disguised as the University of Iowa vs. University of Minnesota football game. 

Standing in my spot in the student section of Huntington Bank Stadium, I trembled as I looked at the fans around me, clad in maroon and gold, which is just a few shades off from the red and yellow of the communist flag. Everyone was holding a rally towel decorated with a graphic of a pig and the words “Steal the Bacon” above it. Goldy must have forgotten to add “…from the hands of the free market.” 

No one seemed alarmed. After all, these were Goldy’s most devoted followers. But I struggled to imagine how anyone could attend such an event and still call themselves an American.

Things only got worse in the minutes leading up to kickoff. The crowd began to “Row the Boat” as the Gopher football team ran onto the field. 

A chill ran down my spine as we linked arms and swayed side-to-side, chanting “Row, row, row!” Where was this proverbial boat headed? Away from the shimmering sea of capitalism and into the murky depths of a communist regime? 

When Goldy walked onto the field, the crowd erupted in applause. With his maroon-and-gold cape billowing in the wind, he pranced around the stadium and pumped his fist in the air, leading the crowd in the Minnesota Rouser. 

“Rah for the U of M!” my fellow students yelled, bleating like sheep as Goldy assumed his place on a podium and cast his gaze over the field. 

A large flag with our school chant, “Ski-U-Mah!” was draped over the student section. Thoroughly wasted and dripping sweat in the afternoon sun, my peers had no time to consider the phrase’s deeply anti-American implications. 

You see, if you take out the “m” and the “a” from “Ski-U-Mah,” rearrange the remaining letters, then add a few more letters, you get Karl Marx’s famous communist rallying cry of “Workers of the world, unite!” 

Coincidence? Goldy can’t fool me.

Just like how Trump has repeatedly said crime in America is “up and through the roof,” I’ve watched our University fall apart in the past few years. You can’t even cross the street in Dinkytown without getting immediately mugged or murdered. I may not have the data to support this, but neither does Trump, so it’s safe to say Goldy’s communist agenda will only bring more chaos to our University lives.

Some may question Goldy’s true motives in the same way the media has scrutinized Trump’s fact-free labeling of Harris as a communist, but I don’t care about them. They’re probably communists themselves.

I know what will happen to our University if Goldy builds his woke leftist regime. Principles of Marxism will be the only liberal education requirement and a clone of Soviet Union leader Joseph Stalin will replace Rebecca Cunningham as University president, banning the word “freedom” from all textbooks.

It’s simple, folks — if we stop Goldy, we save our University. We can’t let facts get in our way.