I was walking home today—and as I think I broke my foot, and or ankle, hypothetically both, but most likely neither—I was not power jogging to ABBA in my sneaker-wedges, as I’m prone to do, but walking at a normal human pace, and noticed something interesting. Well, I thought it was interesting, two of my friends later informed me that it’s actually really, really boring and I should under no circumstance actually write about it because it’s really, really boring. But as ignoring people’s advice is a skill set I mastered at four—when my mom tried to convince me that wearing two left shoes was not in fact, as I had originally declared, a brilliant idea—I’m going to continue on that track.

You see, what I noticed is that all the frat houses, well all the ones on High Street anyway, have Corinthian Columns. And it got me thinking: can we tell frat personalities from the architecture of their houses? And I’ve decided, based on no evidence whatsoever, that we can.

But, as it might possibly be raining, and since I don’t particularly enjoy leaving my apartment anyway, I can only talk about two frats, mainly because I can only see SAE and SIGEP from my living room window (sorry frat that looks like a gingerbread house, I can’t talk about you, but don’t cry me a river I’ll analyze you next week). Is this shoddy journalism? Obviously. But as I used to quote myself as an anonymous source in the non-opinion articles I wrote in high school (sorry Oracle I just had too many opinions on the fact that we could only wear dark green, never medium green or light green, tights) I think it’s okay.

SAE looks like the IKEA version of the white house. It’s big, boxy, and a little boring (sup alliteration). But it also has flashy, gold lettering that would impress any Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. So an SAE type pretends to want to be conservative banker but in reality wants to be a Lady Gaga backup dancer. It’s cool; I want that too.

SIGEP kind of looks like a USSR cellblock that went under renovation with the spread of capitalism. It has the add-on red door—I once painted my door red too, it was excellent, until my dad came home, and then it wasn’t so excellent—and really, large—like My Big Fat Greek Wedding large—columns. So a SIGEP type is a communist spy who is trying to disguise himself.