Normally, when I’m sick, I like to watch documentaries on war and disease and death, mainly because they make me feel terrible, and I like feeling terrible when I’m sick. But over winter break, my mother banned me from watching said documentaries. (She also banned me from driving, but that’s neither here nor there). She said it wasn’t healthy. And I was like “obviously not, I’m sick.” So, as a result, I had to update my sick selections.
But if you’re sick and rather ambivalent about getting healthy, here’s my list of the best sorts of things to watch:
1. Films about Americans’ destructive eating habits. Normally, all I eat are scones and jam. So, I hate watching films where they tell me my eating habits are problematic (in my book jam’s a fruit, like a tomato, so it can also count as a vegetable). But when I’m sick, all I eat is soup. Suddenly, I’m no longer the problem; suddenly, I’m the mother fucking solution.
2. Watch the scene from Pride and Prejudice (the Colin Firth version) in which Mr. Darcy jumps into the lake. Watch it over and over again. Then, mute the volume, and turn on Hillary Duff’s “Stranger” and watch it over and over again with its new soundtrack.
3. Watch Fox News. Every time they say something that’s factually inaccurate you take a Vitamin C tablet. I don’t recommend doing this during Fox and Friends or you’ll most likely get Vitamin C poisoning.
4. Watch the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” musical episode. I used to play the Buffy soundtrack in my car in high school (back when I was allowed to drive). No one ever wanted to ride with me. It was fantastic.