Each week, the Emerald invites a student journalist from the Ducks’ opponent to write a guest column on why the Ducks will lose. With Oregon playing its first “game” without Chip Kelly in the booth or on the field since 2007, here’s why the Ducks’ bubble will burst and they will manage to lose their own spring game.
First of all, let’s address the TV coverage. ESPN doesn’t even care enough to broadcast the Ducks’ spring game anymore. It’s on Pac-12 Networks. That should tell you something right there.
On Twitter, many Duck critics claim they get away with holding on every play. Sure, there’s a little holding on every play in college football, but some Oregon State fans will tell you — and they do tend to know everything — that Oregon gets away with flag-worthy holding on every snap of every game. Same goes for its defensive backs getting away with flaggable pass interference on every pass. It’s unsportsmanlike, really.
But referees fear Chip Kelly and Uncle Phil, so they just let Oregon do as it pleases. But with Kelly gone and the stakes lowered, referees will finally have the stones to call Oregon out on their sins. When the first team takes the field, they’ll throw a screen pass to De’Anthony Thomas, which he’ll probably take to the house because, you know, the Ducks hold on every play. But this time it will be called. The same will happen on every play of the game, and while the clock will run, the offense will not gain any yards and the defense will not record a tackle. Occasionally the Ducks might throw the ball, but with the defensive backs interfering with every play, none of the interceptions or pass breakups will count in the stats, either.
This won’t last long, however, because halfway through the first quarter Mark Emmert will take over Don Essig’s microphone by force and announce severe penalties for the Ducks’ recruiting violations, including the immediate cancellation of the Ducks’ spring game and their demotion to FCS, effective immediately.
Humiliated, Mark Helfrich will resign and take a job as the offensive coordinator at South Eugene High School. Unable to find a replacement for Helfrich on such short notice, Rob Mullens will be left with no other option and will coax Ernie Kent out of retirement to coach Marcus Mariota. Colt Lyerla and Arik Armstead both leave the team to pursue rugby careers.