Sophomore Enivronment Studies major Billy Fernandez could barely believe his eyes when he walked into the library for the first time this semester. A self-declared “total dead-head, bro,” he immediately knew that the balloons hovering over the library walkway were no mere publicity stunt. “Sherlock was my drug dealer’s name in Seattle! He had all the hook-ups, from Special K to Ibogaine! He never mentioned any nitrous, though!”

Indeed, inside sources from inside the very insides of the insidious administration (we’re talkin’ insides, people) confirm that the balloons are not filled with helium, but with the dissociate nitrous oxide. Only a few people have tried getting high off the balloons so far, but hopefully this article will encourage the collective body not to wait until Camp Whitman to kill some brain cells.