Does Yale have some perks? Of course. I recall with fondness my first few weeks as a freshman. My college dean was tirelessly available to answer all my questions, even the sex ones. The ornateness of the architecture really boosted my self-esteem. And the friends I made during those formative early days have become my closest companions. But I’m writing today to unpack this idyllic image, to warn incoming students of the potential pitfalls one might experience at this world-renowned institution. In fact, you may find that the cons outweigh the pros. And that’s the hard truth: they do. Yale is a scam.

The first aspect of Yale that truly left me awestruck was the vaulted nave of Sterling Memorial Library. But Sterling is not all it’s cracked up to be. As a freshman I imagined myself writing a brilliant essay under glowing whale-oil lamps, surrounded by Sterling’s gothic splendor. But you can’t really do that, because the library closes at the early hour of 11:45 p.m. And on the weekends they’re basically just open for brunch, so don’t even try. My friends insist: “After it closes you can go to Bass.” Excuse me? How do you expect me to concentrate on this essay without a stained glass triptych? Scam.

You may have heard about a raucous dance called Freshman Screw. This also scammed me. Don’t go. Here’s the deal: Freshman Screw is an annual gala held at The Schwarzman Center for the Gifted & Talented, formerly known as “Commons.” It’s a blind date. My suitemates set me up with a squash player named Siberius. Alicia Silverstone was his sister. Before the dance, Siberius invited me to a pregame at his Greenwich mansion. Alicia Silverstone wasn’t even fucking there.

And the dining scene isn’t much better. As an incoming freshman, I was thrilled by the idea that each Residential College™ has its own snack bar, called the Buttery™. But this, too, is a big scam. Have any dietary restrictions? Forget it. Example: literally no buttery has baby food. Unfortunately, I’m on an all baby food diet. So every time I wish to purchase baby food I have to steal a Lexus and drive to Whole Foods. Please fix this.

Evidently, there’s a lot of scamming done by Yale University. But, from my experience, the biggest scam of them all is Skull and Bones. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Skull and Bones is a Secret Society™, most notably referenced in an acclaimed CW series called Gossip Girl. The moment I arrived at this prestigious university, I knew I had to be in Skull and Bones. So I’ve spent all my time convincing everyone I’m the illustrious granddaughter of Calvin Coolidge. I have not broken character one goddamn time. When my suitemates watched The Great Gatsby, I said I had to leave the room because it made me feel “too nostalgic.” I did Directed Studies to mimic an antique New England colonial education. I even gave a Geology presentation dressed as a flapper. Yet I remain untapped.

I want my life back.

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