With registration now over, many Whitman students are excited about the classes they will be taking next semester. And with enrollment down, the college is introducing new courses to appeal to the changing times and interests. “Millennials just aren’t interested in stuff like chemistry anymore,” said Provost Julie Tarroskooni. “They’re all ‘avocado toast’ this and ‘let’s not buy diamonds’ that, and we just weren’t keeping with up with our target audience.”

Illustration by Catalina Burch

Some of the new classes that are being offered in the spring are Offensive Defense, a 200 level rhetoric class on how to get righteously indignant about anything. “A lot of students today limit themselves to getting offended by distasteful things,” said Professor Shuttle, who will be instructing the course. This class will expand students’ horizons to allow them to find fault in most anything available.

An instant hit during registration was a 100 level seminar class about the merits of brunch. Class will gather once a week on Sundays at 11:30 and discuss why brunch is objectively the best meal. “It’s a combination of all the best parts of the strongest meals,” said the professor. “In a cage match, brunch would kick any other meal’s ass. Not even a competition.”

Another new class that was created was a 300 level economics class called “Killing Industry.” Millennials, who have brutally murdered the napkin industry, fabric softener industry, and a slew of others, show no signs of stopping. While some might try to stop them, this class aims to teach students how to do destroy whole businesses with precision and efficiency.

While these classes sound like fascinating to many, Professor Shuttle has already staked out Memorial in a protest against the negative stereotypes against millennials.