All right children, today’s topic is going to be moving. But what, you ask, is “moving”?

Well, I’m glad you asked.  Moving, according to the Oxford English Dictionary of Stuff I Just Made Up, is the act of transferring one’s person and belongings from one domicile to a new place of residence.

But what motivation is there to perform such an irritating and difficult endeavor?  Well, barring angry creditors and arrest warrants, the biggest reason to move is because your house is too small to hold all of your junk.

Imagine that you had a toilet, and instead of flushing it, you just carefully transferred everything into a new larger toilet every time you ran out of space.  Except that, of course, not everything is going to survive the move, so you’ll probably have to add some new crap to the new toilet and what-do-you-know, it looks like we’re running out of space again. This is the essence of moving. Except instead of a shovel, you have to rent a truck. Also, you have to carefully package each individual piece of crap so that it does not become damaged on the way over.

That sounds like fun! I’m sure you’re saying, “how do I go about moving?”

Well, the first rule of moving is to have a bunch of crap in your old house. I don’t just mean things that you use, like furniture or LEGO pirate ship collections.  No, I mean absolutely useless stuff, like boxes of every single report card you got in grade school and broken appliances that you keep around just in case they suddenly start working again.

So how do I go about collecting enough useless crap to justify a move?  Well, it’s all about the mentality.  Let’s say you’re driving down the street, when you see a large pile of broken gardening tools.  What would you do?

A) Continue driving.

B) Take the tools because I have an immediate need for gardening tools, such as working on a farm, or murdering foolish sex-crazed teenagers during romantic log-cabin weekend getaways.

C) Take the tools because while I have no use for broken gardening tools at the moment and in fact am violently allergic to all known gardening plants as well as dirt, I will take them with me on the chance that I may at some point in the future, possibly decades from now, find a use for it, such as a wedding present for the child that I do not currently have, but will hopefully be interested in some gardening tool-related field, such as foolish-sex-crazed-teenager-murderer.

If you answered A or B, you are most likely not ready to move any time soon (unless the remains of the log-cabin party have been discovered, in which case you should probably back up the old hockey mask and pickaxe and start ominously shambling towards a new B-movie domicile, such as an ancient cursed burial ground or outer space).

If, you, like me, answered C, then you are well on your way to moving preparedness. It’s time to throw away that old house like a used Taco Cabana napkin and start over fresh. This brings us to our next section on moving: actually moving.
Once you have accumulated sufficient crap levels throughout your house, it’s time to start packing. Packing is the fine art of playing Doom II for seven hours a day until the night before you are evicted, and then hastily throwing every possession into large cardboard boxes in random order.

Now that we’re packed up and moved out, the next step in order is to find a place to move into.  There are lots of ways to find a new place to live, such as purchasing it or massacring the previous inhabitants.  When looking for a new home, there are a couple things to look for.  Are there four walls?  Does it have a roof?  Is it located on a haunted ancient burial ground?  Are the neighbors all single attractive bikini-clad 20-somethings?  More importantly, are they female?

As you can see, most of this is about location. This is why we packed stuff in boxes.  Just find a nice spot, empty a box and you’re all set.